Finally living the healthy life...and I love it!

I wanted to show a picture of my very first 'updo' hair style since cancer! I was very proud that it was finally long enough to use a curling iron AND bobby pins! Can't wait until the PONY TAIL!

Sorry about the delay in posts...my home computer was quite sick, but it's up and working now so here are some updates!
I was able to make it back down to see the neurologist in Columbus about my back and neck.  The good news is that there is no blockage in my veins or arteries!  The other good news is that besides the scoliosis and cysts in my back, there is nothing else that is causing the back pain...no tumors, no bulged discs...just sore/bruised muscles from the curve (and begging Andrew to dig his hand into my back to make it better -Note from the doctor...digging into the muscles until it's numb is not a good thing, even if it does feel good! :) The only thing he said (other than the things I already know that's wrong) is that I have degenerative disc disease and arthritis in my neck and he says that we won't know the day when it will start to effect me neurologically.  Until then, we wait :) And I am perfectly ok with that because I have no neurological symptoms yet, and I would know what they are because of my past with Chiari.  The reason why I was referred to this doctor was because of the pressure in my head I was feeling when I would get up from bending over...and he was able to tell me that it's probably because of my consistent low blood pressure.  Since cancer, I have had lower blood pressure than usual and he says that the blood just isn't working its way back up to my head fast enough.  It makes sense!  So to help my blood pressure (as well an anemia) I really need to up my iron intake.  Which leads me to my 40 day diet wrap up in just a minute...but at the end of the visit and after the doctor was very pleased with my new diet and the positive results I have been having from working out and eating healthier, I'll never forget the last thing he told us...he closed his folder, looked at Andrew and I, and said that at this point in time we should just be thankful for each day we have with each other after everything I've been through.  It's so easy to take Life for granted and it was humbling to hear that from his mouth.  He's right, after a major car accident, my health issues, Andrew's occupation, ect...we are blessed for each new day we have to be with each other.  If anything has come out of the past year with all these tests and doctors, to end it with this doctor telling us that, was completely worth every trip down.  Thanks Dr. T!

Well, my Maker's Diet is done and those 40 days certainly opened my eyes to new insights just like they had been when I had more cancer cells running through my veins than healthy cells.  Only this time around, I HAD CONTROL of my circumstances.  I had the choice to either make myself healthier or go back down the road I was on that could lead to more cancer.  In 40 days, not only did I discover how to keep my physical body strong, I learned how to keep all of me strong.  We all have the ability to make choices and those choices have consequences (both good or bad).  I chose to take 40 days to intentionally make myself healthier by eating foods that my body could easily process and to workout until I sweat (yes sissy... Hochstetler's CAN sweat :).

This diet showed me 3 things...
1) how to make my body happy - this body is crazy sensitive I have found out.  I took out all processed foods and foods that are hard for your body to digest...and trust me, I now know what makes my stomach hurt.  For some reason, potatoes are hard for my stomach to digest...I get a stomach ache afterwards and I always thought it was because I ate too much.  Actually, I found out that potatoes contain some kind of compound that naturally makes it harder for your body to digest.  There is such a science to food and it's amazing when you start listening to your body, what it can tell you about what you are eating.  I like knowing what I'm getting myself into now when I eat certain foods :) Here's the other way to keep your body happy and healthy, don't eat from your cupboard.  In 6 weeks, the only thing I ate from the cupboard was nuts and almond butter.  Everything else came from the refrigerator.  Eating this way can be expensive, because produce isn't exactly cheap, but I'd pay anything to feel this good again.  Also, we have saved money by not eating out...and now the times we do eat out, it is extra special!  But don't get me wrong, now that I am off of the cleansing diet, I still treat myself once in awhile.  I just know that I shouldn't expect my run to be easy when I eat a donut right before :)

2) how to trust in myself - I found that I have the ability to say no.  Many times I was tested to just take 1 M&M as I passed them out to the preschoolers...but I didn't.  Did I have 2 bites of cake at my parent's 40th anniversary party? Yes, because celebrating them was more important to me than a little extra sugar in my body.  I had to make choices...but it got easier everyday because as the weeks went on I was able to eat more and more foods (because the diet was about cleansing out your system, then rebuilding it back up with natural foods).  I grew more confidence while on this 40 day journey too.  I set goals, and I achieved them, and I was very proud of myself.  I knew I could do this, but to prove it to myself on the outside was a different story.  I also did a lot of workouts during this time as well as started running again.  And you know what...the more I run and recondition my bleomycin chemo'd lungs, the less I am needing my inhaler.  I have another 5K this next Saturday and my goal is to run it without an inhaler.  That would be SO amazing to me to beat those odds.  I'm up to 2.5 miles without taking a puff, and I trust that if I keep working hard I can go to 3.2!

3) and who I am living for - I have prayed for some things during this diet or fast if you will.  It is no mistake that I did this 40 day diet right before Easter.  Making sacrifices reminds us of the sacrife that God made when He put His son on the cross for us, for me.  God revealed Himself to me once again.  He helped me heal these last 40 days. This past Easter, I remembered why I am on earth.  It's not for me, but for Him. That through all of our circumstances, we should glorify Him and reveal to the world who He is and the healing only He may be able to bring.  I am reminded of a verse in 1 Thessalonians lately...simply put 'Be happy, pray often, and thank God for all circumstances because that was His will for you.'  I am learning so much through all of the situations that God is bringing me through.  Although I may not like them, or understand them right away, or be grumpy about them at first, I know that down the road God will reveal why He had me go through each trial.  So thank you God.  I pray that You will always be the Living God inside my heart that guides me in all my adventures that lead to new understandings and a Life I can be proud to tell to my children about someday.  But You by far have been my ultimate adventure!


P.S. Look what finally made it's way to my house :)

The Maker's Diet meets Pampered Chef...

I should be writing my paper for grad school right now...it’s about motivation in the classroom.  But in Life,  we are supposed to do what motivates us right? And writing a paper for school is NOT motivating to me, so I'm writing you instead :) What motivates me right now is my health, this cleansing diet, the act of helping another, and what motivation plays into my life.  I believe that I am a motivated person when I really want something and set my mind to it.  My motivation lately in this Life is to remain in remission and my passion is to make that happen. This diet has been energizing and uplifting for me.  I used to be such a pessimist, but as I read in a fitness magazine this week 'Pessimist tend to view events as beyond their control, so remind yourself who's boss the next time your nervous about a goal you set or a deadline.  Success is in your power; all it takes is disciplined steps towards your goal.'  I've challenged myself, disciplined myself, pushed myself, and have seen my potential, endurance, and inner strength.  I am strong- now mentally AND physically (I can see muscles!  Along with this diet, I have been working out at the Y and I am seriously in the best shape of my life! I have been having less headaches and stomach aches and so much more energy...It's really unbelievable until you try it!).  You have no idea how much this diet means to me.  Not only has it made me healthier, it has helped draw me even closer to God in many ways I just can't put into words yet.  He heals, He answers, He is God...and I am thankful.  Now, I'm not going to become a crazy health nut after this 40 day cleanse (by the way, I'm HALF WAY DONE ALREADY!), but this diet has shown me a new way of life.  A new positive step into my future for a healthy me, husband, and family.  What I eat now, when I'm pregnant, and when I'm raising a family is so important to their own health.  If I can pass on good health to my children, maybe their risk of getting cancer will decrease...as well as my own coming back.

So this past weekend, The Maker's Diet and Pampered Chef had a duel!  I hosted a party for my sister in law Beth.  She became a Pampered Chef consultant to help with the Operation Baby Groman adoption funds, so when she asked if I'd host a show, I said OF COURSE!  She is such a blessing in my life and she loves to cook, so this was a perfect fit!  I love my own Pampered Chef products (my moma got me started when she was a consultant!) and I'm not much of a 'party host-er', but this was such a success thanks to many people whom I love dearly and would help out in a second if they ever asked.  THANK YOU ALL who put in an order...please know that you are apart of something so much bigger than that awesome Salad and Berry Spinner we all saw - you are helping a great family become an even bigger great family!  Also, with this Maker's Diet cleanse, I have been shown some really neat recipes that I want to continue making after the 40 days is up...so I finally have a new recipe book that will be filled with all my favorite recipes I try!  I love new adventures!! Cooking nutritiously may just be the next one! :)

Day 5 of The Maker's Diet

It's getting better people....

It's been 5 days without any sugar, pop, or processed foods.  And I'm still alive!  I can honestly say that as the days went on...this diet became easier and easier.  I have only been tempted one time and that was on Day 2 when I was just SO hungry.  Andrew was working and I was just watching TV, and what do you do when you watch TV?? Yup, eat.  It's actually hard to sit and watch a show without incorporating your other senses, don't ya think?  But I was just hungry and I literally went to the kitchen and about pulled something out of the cupboard when I stopped myself and literally said 'God, I do not want to fail at this.  I'm doing this to make this body healthy again.  Healthy enough to not get cancer again, carry my own baby, and to live as long as possible.  What do I do?'  And I swear, as soon as I took my next breath, I came upon a thought in my head that I hadn't had before.  I am supposed to eat veggies in my eggs in the morning, but I hardly ever wake up in time to eat breakfast at home, so I just take my hard boiled eggs and carrots/yogurt and eat on the way to school.  But then I remembered...I hadn't eaten the veggies yet from breakfast...and you wouldn't believe what my favorite thing to order is from Mexican restaurants...yup, grilled veggies!  So I chopped up some red and green peppers and onions and grilled them up in some evoo and it was SO good as I watch TV!  So I have not cheated yet, and I'm actually feeling good.  I have some headaches off and on, but it could be the change of diet and also my neurology stuff.  I'm also exercising and running again...life is good!

So I wanted to share two recipes with you that I was very 'iffy' about cooking, but after I made it...OH MY was it SOOO good! And trust me, I typically HATE salmon, but with this recipe, I would eat it every week!  We have made it 5 days now and I told Andrew how proud I am of us.  And it's gets even better because next weeks menu includes chili, fajitas, meat loaf, curry, and hamburgers!  It's all in how you cook it and what you eat with it!  We are past the mostly fish days and I am so happy to see menu items that I have actually cooked before! :)

Oriental Red Meat Salad
1 1/2 lbs. flank steak
1/2 cup lemon jiuce
6 tbsp. soy sauce
2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil or expeller-expressed peanut oil
1 tbsp toasted sesame oil
1 tsp. grated fresh ginger
pinch of red pepper flakes
2 tbsp toasted sesame seeds
1/2 lbs. snow peas (lightly steamed and cut in half)
1 red pepper (chopped)
1 lbs. bean sprouts (steamed lightly)
~Cook the meat however you prefer (skillet, broiler).  Mix lemon juice, soy sauce, oils, ginger, and red pepper flakes together.  Cut the meat into small slices and marinate with the soy sauce mixture for several hours in the fridge.  Then mix together the meat, salad, sesame seeds and veggies just before serving.


Wild Alaskan Salmon with Pecan Pesto
4 wild salmon fillets
1/3 lbs shelled pecans
3 oz. butter, cold
2-3- fresh jalapenos
1 small lemon
1 3-inch sprig of rosemary
olive oil
celtic sea salt
pepper
~Toast the pecans for about 20 minutes at 300 degrees.
Rub salmon with olive oil and coat with salt and pepper.  Cook in in a skillet on med heat until it is totally pink inside with a nice golden crust on the outside.
Meanwhile, add chopped jalapenos, chopped rosemary, the zest of 1/2 small lemon, pecans, and butter in a food processor about 8 seconds until it becomes a paste.  
Put the pesto over the salmon and WOW is it SO good!  And I can hardly eat salmon!


Some other updates on the Life of Laura...my brother bought a house and when the moving truck gets his stuff, I get my piano so I am very excited when that day comes!  We are stripping wall paper tomorrow in his house, I've become a pro at this throughout my years of moving.  And my sister in law Beth became a Pampered Chef consultant to help with the expenses of their adoption.  We have hit the 6 month mark (most children get placed within 6-9 months with the agency they are going through) so any day now I could become an aunt again! I am having a party to help her out, so if you need anything, let me know or go to her website at www.pamperedchef.biz/bethlikestocook and order under our products!  AND...Andrew finished the bathroom!  It is so much better than the yellow walls, linoleum floor, and white counter top that used to be there.  We don't have a new shower curtain or a new window curtain yet, and the pictures I took don't show the true colors because of the flash, so you'll just have to see it in person :)  The best part is that there is this low lighting for when I take my bath in the whirlpool tub...totally relaxing and a man after my own heart! He tiled and framed in the window too! Great Job Andrew! Now, off to the next project...he ordered my new closet doors for the bedrooms! :)

One more thing...today marks another moment in Life that was very sad, yet brought 2 people together.  It's been 5 years since the Bluffton University baseball team bus accident that killed 5 students.  I remember going to my 8 o'clock class at BU and hearing the news.  Commotion on campus started very quickly with the accident on CNN and news vans pulling up more every hour, and as we started hearing more and more names of students who didn't make it, I started getting scared.  At that time, Andrew and I were 'on a break', but on that day, he was the only person I wanted to be with.  He had a way to calm me down, but on that day, he was away at Army drill and I knew from that day on, I didn't want to be with anyone else.  I knew then that Andrew was something more to me than anyone else in this world is.  I knew I had to call him when I heard about David, and that phone call changed us.  I'm not sure what he felt during those days, whether he was thinking about me the same way I was thinking about him, but all I can say is that we have grown closer together every day since then...  

Andrew and I, back together after the accident in the Spring of 2007

Day 1 of The Maker's Diet

Oh, if my keyboard was a bar of chocolate right now...

I just feel like I have to tell you about this so far...Seriously, you want to see God? Give up the foods you typically eat and eat something you literally have to force down your throat!  

I am very adamant about sticking to this diet for the next few weeks because I know the benefits in the end both physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  However, I didn’t think I would come up with some realizations about food so quickly. Like... 

#1 - I can’t believe how I have taken the taste of food for granted.  

#2 - How much I depend on Andrew for support.

#3 - How happy chocolate chip cookies, girl scout cookies, chocolate cupcakes...chocolate basically, makes me.

#4 - But how much HAPPIER I am because I feel that much closer to God and have shown self control.

So let's start with #1...Day 1 of the diet and I was gagging by lunch time yesterday.  I have a pretty bad gag reflex anyway, but when it came to eating tuna salad, it was just not going to go down my throat.  I like tuna casserole and tuna in other things, but in this tuna salad I made -wow- lets just say that after the first two gags, I plugged my nose for the rest of the sandwich to get down.  I did it though as I thanked God for the foods that will make me healthy…like tuna.  

#2 - Andrew agreed to do this with me and it has been a great way to lean on him for support.  I can call him up and tell him how hungry I feel when he is working, and he can encourage me to stick with it.  Makes me love that man a little more for taking this on with me.

#3 - I'm just going to make a list of foods that make me happy because since I can't eat them right now, I'll just close my eyes and think of them as I type...chocolate-anything chocolate, Oreos, noodles and mashed potatoes, blizzards from DQ, pretzels, peanut butter, sushi, Captain Crunch, mac and cheese, PIZZA, Chinese food, La Cha's, pasta, bread, ohhhh and the taste of a Carter Bar from Bath High School would be AMAZING!!!!!

#4 - Even though all of those foods sound incredible right now, I'd still give them up in a second for the experience I have had with God so far.  Nothing like praying for the food to go down your throat, and then seeing how spoiled you are that you just prayed for that.  I instead gave thanks to God for the Life that I have and the choices I have everyday to make.  Those choices now are helping me to live a healthier life, not only for me, but for my family.  Eating healthier gives my family the opportunity to have me around a few years longer.  And as I told Andrew on February 13 when I presented him with my plan to get healthy (it was a special date because it was 10 years ago to the day when I first met him at his church, on stage playing that guitar-knowing that THAT was the kind of guy I was going to marry one day, never dreaming I could be so blessed to have it be HIM) I told him that I want 10 more years with him and although this diet will not be convenient, fun, or particularly tasty, I want to do it because I love him that much and will do anything to see our dreams come true :) 

So as of yesterday, I am 'eating to live' now, instead of 'living to eat' and it feels good to do something for my body, a body that is finally thanking me for after the last couple years I've put it through.  

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My best Remission check up yet!

It's that time again...another 4 month cancer check up.  So I've made a habit of reading through a few of my old blog post before I head into my appointments because it helps me remember how far I've come, and if I hear bad news for some reason, it reminds me that I can do this all over again if I have to.  It's crazy the things you forget if you don't write them down...like I look back now and I can't believe the I ever asked my sister to keep my cancer a secret for 5 days, or how I was SO afraid of needles the way I was, and I'm still amazed at the amount of support I got from so many people who didn't even know me.  It was a year ago that I became disease free, heading into a new life of remission and this past year has been interesting without any cancer in my body.  I've looked at situations differently than what I would have before...things that may have bothered me before, don't bother me so much now.  I guess that is one good thing that comes out of being in the 'Cancer Group'.  I'm proud that I've been able to take what I've learned from cancer and try to apply it as much as possible to my everyday Life situations.  'Life' and all it's situations is just God allowing me to gain more wisdom for the future and the future is what you make it...I'm gonna make mine worth it :)

Ok, enough of my rambling and on to what I know you really want to know............I heard those sweet words that bring a smile to my face, I am still in Remission.  And have never had a better check up! :)  My tumors are not growing and my lab results were never better!  I have never had my blood work come out so good and I credit that to daily exercise and healthy eating.  I have cut back on processed foods a TON and have exercised at least 4 days a week.  I told my parents a few days ago that I think I just have a sensitive body and if I don't take care of it, it starts to act pretty temperamental.  I haven't had nearly the stomach aches as I typically do and I have more energy than ever.  This could all be a result of all the meds getting out of my system too from the past year, but I know the changes I have tried to make and I really think it has helped.  So with that being said, next week Andrew and I are starting The Maker's Diet for the next 40 days.  This is not a 'diet', it's just a meal plan that can cleanse your system by going back to eating the foods we were meant to eat.  It is going to be very challenging, but I'm up for it if it's going to help my body become even more healthy by reducing my chances of diseases, inflammation, ease my digestive track, and balance my hormones...who knows, with balanced hormones, I may just get that baby on my own with out fertility after all!  I'm excited for this next adventure in my health life :) Oh, and I've made it to the 6 month check up point! Now I will only see Dr. Powell ever 6 months unless something comes up before then.  It will be six months in August and I'm gonna say that as quick as time has been flying by, it will be here before we know it!

On the other health note, I recieved word from my neurologist.  She spoke with another neurosurgon and the next step is to go back down to Columbus for the day to recieve a CT arteriogram.  This is a test that will show the blood vessels and arteries in my neck and brain and show how the blood is flowing.  The best part is that I'm staying there that day until my results come back so I don't have to wait for them for a long time.  I'm really glad these doctors are checking into evereything because I tell you what, nothing is more frustrating than to not know how to fix something and feeling like you are at the end of the road.  Very discouraging and can make for a pretty grumpy Laura :)  Please pray that either we find something that is causing this pressure, or that these symptoms somehow float away. Thanks :)

And last but not least...remember how each time I hear remission, I'm going to try to cross another thing off my bucket list? Well, I got out my paint brushes and bought a canvas and here it is.  My first painting displayed.  Please do not ever look at it up close because I had 100 things go wrong from running out of paint, to a dog chasing a cat.  This painting was extremely simple, yet was inspired by a store sign I saw in Iowa that looked like this.  But it's not about the painting anyway, it symbolizes so much more...determination, energy, Life - and the beauty of it.  Thank you for being apart of my Life.

Life's about playing the hand you were dealt...

It's Friday night and I'm in my sweats and after 6 rolls of sushi with a faithful friend, I am finally ending a frustrating week with a smile on my face and belly full of therapy. :)

Andrew went with me to Columbus bright and early in the morning and my instinct was right...there was nothing new on the MRI that showed why I would be having these symptoms (remember the Hochstetler motto 'Nothing ever the easy way' :).  I asked her if the stenosis/osteophyte complex/fused discs/ect... could cause these symptoms and she said not the symptoms I am having.  Then I asked her about my Chiari surgery after she showed us my scar tissue and how my skull now looks after the surgery and she is going to consult with another neurosurgeon who has worked on people who have had Chiari (remember, she is a neurologist who concentrates on the back. BTW-for my back pain, the MRI's still showed scoliosis, so I need to keep stretching those muscles that are tight because of the curve in my spine.  Andrew says that doing nothing is the worst thing I could do so I have been very good at going to the YMCA lately to some different classes...that and a trip to Punta Cana in May to see a friend get married could be a motivating factor as well ;)  So my doc told me to be expecting a phone call from her next week letting me know what the other doctor had to say after looking at my films and see if these symptoms are like others who are post Chiari surgery patients.  That's a whole long story in itself and if something comes up on that, I'll go into more detail...but lets not jump ahead.

Trust me, I know how silly this all sounds.  And there has been MANY times I have told Andrew that I'm just done with doctors.  He encourages me that He would hire a doctor from England if he had the money to fix me :) He can be so sweet.  But this blog has been about my health and for me, it seems like my health is just something that I can't ever NOT think about.  My health has gotten in the way of a lot of milestones in life...Chiari Malformation kept me away from moving to Indiana and going to college at Taylor University, scoliosis kept me from having a pain free back for years, PCOS has kept me from a balanced hormonal life, and cancer has kept me from having my own family at the time I wanted to start one.  Now with this constant dull headache and head pressure, it's making my job harder and all around life just a bit more tense and short circuited.  Sometimes I feel like cancer was easier...I have learned more from being sick in my life than from any other experiences I have encountered.  Now there's a story!

You ever have a plan for your life...then it really goes NOTHING like you planned?  Should you be disappointed when it doesn't work out the way you plan or is that just your life?  If I wouldn't have had these health issues, I may have lead a completely different life!  But this is the life God planned for me, I know it because He wants me to draw so near to Him through all of these Life struggles (not just health ones)...so I need to start playing the cards I was dealt and maybe win a hand or two, instead of folding and waiting for a royal flush everyday.  Sometimes you grow closer to God, the One who really matters, when life hits you hard...it's like hitting on the river card! I had a few reality checks this week, enough to make some tears flow, but they are showing me how much I can handle, how much sushi I need to eat, and how much more I need to learn about this life :)  I am so young, and have so much to learn...I am SOOO learning that everyday.  I swear I will be a great mother because I have so many life experiences to draw from!  As you can see, I seem to be more sensitive around these times when I get checked out for cancer again.  My CT scan is on Monday and I meet with the doctor on Feb. 23.  I'll update you then :)

On a fun note, I'm finally able to wear my dangly earring again after a year and a half.  My hair is finally long enough to balance it out and its great!  I'll have to post a picture soon! I've got some other great updates too...like Andrew is SO close to finishing our bathroom and I'm getting a piano in my house!  My niece Maci was dedicated in church today and my WHOLE family was at the Lima Community Church and then went out to eat...that was awesome :)  If there is one blessing I know that I have in my life, it is my family...Lord help us if we ever live more than 20 minutes away!

Living happy. Insert smiley face ... :)

So winter is here...kinda.  We have snow, then rain, then snow, then rain...then fog.  It's just really weird weather lately.  But enough about the weather because who really cares right?  If you are still reading my Pursuit, you are more interested in where Life has taken me these past months in Remission.  Well, it has kept me busy!  Here's some updates on the Life of Laura....still in Remission!

Well, my health has taken on an all too familiar road.  Just as I was getting settled into this body of healthy cells, my body decided it missed the MRI machines. :) I went to my 6 month neurologist appointment last Wednesday and brought to her attention some new symptoms that I have been experiencing lately.  My back is still sore in the same spot it has been for the last 5 years - no new news there, but since the beginning of this year I have been experiencing pressure in my head when I bend over.  This is not the usual lightheadedness from getting up too fast, this is intense throbbing - see the stars kinda episodes - where I have to give myself a minute so get over the 'hot flash' and get the blood flowing again to the brain.  I'm not sure what, if anything is causing this, or if this is once again my 'new normal'.  I don't know if it's the syrinx in the spinal cord interrupting the spinal fluid, the ospteophyte complex and stenosis in the neck getting worse, something from my prior surgery with Chiari or something that we don't even know about yet.  However, because it's me and nothings normal when it comes to my body ;), the doctor wants me to get 3 MRI's ( the brain, cervical, and thoracic spine) on Tuesday and then go back down to OSU Medical Center on February 8 to go over the results.  Then on February 13, I have a CT scan to check on the cancer and then see Dr. Powell at CancerCare the week after that to go over those results.  February will be busy for sure!  But I love everything that is keeping me busy these days (work, college, going to the gym, playing the piano, going to bible study, being a mom to Cooper and Kota) - it gives my life purpose :) But I'm once again thinking about my health...and that has pushed it's way to the top of my list of things that I just can't get out of my head.  So once again I go to God.

Some people might look at my life and find reason to be angry with God.  I know that the thought has crossed my mind a time or two.  But I'm not angry with God, if anything He has answered my request to expand my boundaries. I have found no reason to be upset with God in my life because as a human, I in no way have ever deserved to be 'happy'.  My happiness has come because of the grace and mercy that God has shown me in this life.  To answer the prayers of my heart- the ones that He and I both know- shows me that God has not left my side, He has been walking with me and has constantly taken the load when it can not get any heavier.  I put my trust in Him, and if I keep my connection with Him strong, I will understand the path that He has laid out for my life.  So in the mean time of not understanding why things happen on MY timing...eh, eh, like having a baby...I prayed for peace and have come to the understanding that something else must be stirring up inside before a 'little one' comes along.  But in the mean time, I'm continually building my relationship with my husband so we can be the best parents possible and appreciating the independence I have right now to do the things that make me happy (although I know that once I have a baby I'll be the most happy because, by God's grace, I will by far have my greatest earthly blessing!)

But for now, as I have this independence, what is it that makes me happy you might ask? Well, the great part about this chapter in my Life is that I know what makes me happy. :)  I have never been the athletic one in the family, I'm not the comedian, or the peace maker.  But I do know that I was born with creativity and drive.  God designed me and what a master plan he had!  I love music, I love art, and I love drama.  I didn't realize how much it was a part of me and my design until I was sitting in the Civic Center listening to STOMP with a smile on almost the whole show and my feet moving the whole time, while people around me were sitting still.  I also realized this when I was slightly disappointed at the Mannheim Steamroller concert when I couldn't pick out all the instruments in the songs because of the interrupting synthesizer...weird I know, and I may have lost you, but I love to listen to music and pick out all the instruments.  And then again when we saw a broadway production in New York City and I felt like I was home.  Like I would have no problem singing up there on stage!  I took 3 years of art in high school, was in musicals, plays at church, majorette in the marching band getting teary eyed when I heard the drum cadences at pregame, and have sang since my debut with my sister for my great grandpa Pete of Jem and the Holograms in our living room when I was 4. :)  I'm no Aretha Franklin, but boy do I love to sing!  I love the fine arts and I know now it was something I was born with, not something I acquired, because I can feel it inside.  The arts make me happy and relaxed, so I'm thrilled to be playing piano again, getting my paint brushes out, and singing to Andrew (oh yes, he gets a show...and my brother in law will too soon...The Voice is on in a week and my sis and I will definitely be singing! :)  I am finding accomplishment in this chapter of my life and it makes me feel so good.  So as my road may get a little bumpy again with figuring out this new medical stuff, and figuring out Life in general, I'm content because I know what makes me happy...Living the life that only I was meant to live.