Where my Cowboy Boots take me...

Smiling again... I just got home from doing a few things at my school. I told Andrew I would be there for an hour…ended up being there for three…oh, the life of a teacher. :) However, after tonight, I think I’m ready to not think about school for awhile. I thought that last week was mentally exhausting after going through everything I did with the rash, lump, and chemo. But this week has been worse in a way. It’s nothing that has to do with me or cancer, it’s the pain I am feeling for so many of my friends who are going through different kinds of pain in their own lives right now. I’m the kind of person who would rather feel the pain rather than anyone else feel the pain. I have friends who are hurting so badly because of different situations right now and I want to just take it all away. Make them feel better. How come we just never know what to say? You never know what to do to make the situation better. In reality, most of the time you can’t make the situation better, but you can show your support to let them know you care. Most of all, we can pray. We serve a God that parted the Red Sea, we can certainly believe that He can heal the sick, take our grief away with time, and simply give us the gift to TRUST in Him. That’s what we can do. You all are doing that for me while I am sick, so I’m trying to do that for others during their time of suffering. You all have taught me some great etiquette on helping someone while their down, so I just hope I can keep paying it forward…mostly through prayer because that’s something we all can do. I used to own a shirt that said Pray Hard. So my friends, please know that this week I have prayed hard for you. And I am doing so much better at listening to God, so I’m spending more time in prayer because it has become some what easier to pray.

So this morning, I woke up to Andrew bringing me coffee, a doughnut, and a card from his work that the entire B shift signed. I’m brought to tears on what a simple card can do for someone. With all the emotions from the past few weeks, I just needed to take a mental health break and start fresh again. I was told once 'How do you expect a change if you don't do anything different?' So I took that advice and did just that. I needed out of my funk mood and to breath in some fresh crisp air so that I can go into chemo with a clear mind and positive attitude tomorrow. So Andrew and I went horse back riding today. So relaxing to ride a horse and be out in the woods. I even wore my cowboy boots just like Kris Carr in the book Crazy Sexy Cancer...I’ll never live on a ranch with horses, so I can put on my boots and dream right? ;) I needed that time out in the country to clear my head, get myself together, and leave any sadness in the woods so that I can be a supporter to my friends in need. I also needed to get my mind off of this next treatment. I remember when I went 3 chemo rounds in a row last time, and it was not fun. I had some kind of negative symptom going on everyday for awhile after the third. So as I pray for my upcoming treatment, I also pray for my friends who are needing God’s comfort and understanding also. Crying when you need to cry is something I have finally come to do. It’s ok to cry and let your guard down. No one expects you to keep it together all the time. This blog has certainly shown that :) But those are the ups and downs in life that we all learn from and those experiences are what make us a unique person. Sometimes things happen to us, that way we can help others when the time comes to make their struggle just a little bit easier somehow.

I also lean on this song by Point of Grace and catch myself singing it all the time...

Trust, trust in the Lord

Lean not on your own understanding.

In all, all of your ways acknowledge Him,

He’ll make the path straight.

The Two Faces of Cancer

This week I was reminded that cancer has two faces. One face is the face of defeat when we kick it’s cancer butt and hear the word remission. The other face is the face of victory when cancer finally takes its toll and our last breath is taken. Unfortunately this week, cancer took yet another life that deserved to stay on earth for much, much longer. Our friend’s cousin died this week from kidney cancer. He was young like me. He was a husband, a father, a son, and much more. It’s different for me now when I hear that someone dies from cancer. Some how you feel more connected even though you didn’t even know the person personally. Maybe it's because you are fighting the same fight, so you feel like you're on the same team.

This is the first time since I have been diagnosed that I have heard that someone lost the fight, and I've had to deal with a whole new kind of emotion that I've never dealt with before. Relating with someone you don’t even know because you both have cancer. Feeling probably the same emotions at certain times, the same drug side effects, the same insecurities. But the outcome was different. It makes me sad, yet mad at the same time. Because it’s really hard to rally for hope in cancer when it takes someone’s life. So desperately I want people to hear the word cancer and think of hope first, instead of death. But that's not realistic, I've come to realize that. How can anyone think that first when it continues to be such a deadly disease? So many medical people say that a positive attitude is like the secret weapon to surviving cancer. If it is, than why are people still dying? Did they not have a positive attitude? I’m sure they did, but cancer is so aggressive and it’s just not fair to some who live in this cancer world. It’s just not fair that no matter how positive of an attitude you have, some people live and some people die from cancer. It’s unfair that you don’t know the people who will get cancer. It’s unfair that the people who do get cancer have to wonder if they will live or not to hear the word remission. It’s not fair that the people who do live to hear the word remission have to live in suspense wondering if it will ever come back to take their life the next time.

I want so badly for cancer to have a different reaction than death. I want to hear stories of survival more than death. I don’t want to see movies like The Last Song or read books like My Sister’s Keeper. I don’t want people to die from cancer. It scares the hell out of the rest of us. I wish there was more hope stories out there. But that doesn't make for good cinema now, does it? :) The truth is that cancer will always have two faces. It will keep taking lives until the cure is found. We must remember those who have passed away from a crappy disease called cancer. But please, don't remember them because they had cancer...remember THEM. The person who was there the whole time before they ever heard the words 'you have cancer' and fighter that was in them til the end. My heart goes out to the family that lost the battle this week. However, I am reminded that we are made whole again when we enter the gates of Heaven. No more tears and no more suffering. No more pain and no more cancer. And hopefully some hair :) I will keep fighting the fight for the ones who can't, I will remain hopeful and do my best for the cancer world to make it the best it can be now that I am apart of it. I remain hopeful in my cancer diagnosis, I have nothing to lose there. However I am not oblivious to real life in my situation as well as other cancer patients where cancer has a mind of it's own and no one can predict it. Let’s all just make the very best of the time we do have left on earth. Live...Laugh...and Love my friends.

Bathroom Prayers :)

After a great weekend away from Lima with family, I finished it off with a great small group (and steak supper!) We started our small groups this fall at church and God totally answered prayer when we were introduced to these 5 couples. It's awesome how some people just click and this group of people seem to be a great fit for us at this time in our lives. This afternoon, we talked about prayer...so crazy because it goes hand in hand with what I was talking about last blog with the whole bathroom and reflection thing I have started lately because of cancer.

So let me ask a question first...Do you have a quiet place? A place in your house where you go just to get away from the kids, spouse, technology, pets, LIFE. Anything that causes you stress. I think it would be great to have a whole room dedicated as 'the quiet room', but if you're like me, you are already looking for more room because you have ran out! But if I had one, it would look like one of those rooms at a spa where you have a massage. Neutral colors on the wall, with the piano playing softly in the background, the water fountain trickling down the stones, and pictures of a little house somewhere on top of a hill in Italy with tall grass surrounding it. Well, I don't have a room to spare in my house as my quiet room, but one day I will :) But for now, my quiet place is my bathroom. I used to read in the bathtub, but now, I have a different view of my bathroom. I realize that I do not take enough time in my day to stop, reflect on my life and my day, and pray. I haven't experienced many things like this diagnosis over my lie span and the last three months can be a lot to swallow. Have you ever taken 5 minutes, wait lets be realistic, lets just do 2 minutes, to really stop...turn everything off...close your eyes and reflect on YOU? It can change you!

One of the things I have changed in my life since having cancer is taking time to reflect. I now choose to do this during my routine nightly bath. I used to take a bath with lights on, cell phone by my side, book in hand, and surrounded by everything that gave me anxiety because that was what the world told me would make me pretty (make up, hair supplies, razors, ect). Know what I really need during this time...I need a sanctuary. I read that when having cancer, having a place to go is key. I need a place to go to reflect and relax, and my bathtub has been my place of relaxation since I was in the sixth grade...I love my baths! Now though, it has changed. I made my bathroom a place of comfort for me too, and my place of comfort is the beach. Always has been. I want more than anything to say that I am a woodsy kinda girl, but if I had my choice, the beach will always and forever be my first pick. So I have made my bathroom into my own little ocean. No more bright lights, I have replaced them with candles. I have pictures up from the beaches I have been too as well as seashells lining the bathtub, the tropical flower shawl from Brunei, my porcelain sea turtle, and some of my other favorite things to make me relax. So now I can take the time in the tub to relax, reflect, and pray. It's like meditation. I see more clearly the things that I love about my life and the things that need a changing. Its a time where I listen to me for once instead of everyone else. I am totally enjoying this time because I have no distractions to keep me from really listening to my inner self. Now I'm not saying full meditation can happen every night in my bath tub, let's be realistic, but I would like to try to take at least some time at night to stop and reflect. Who knows? Maybe I will discover something amazing while actually doing more listening. Not just to myself, but to God.

I have learned so far that when I am relaxed, I can hear God better. We all pray so quick because our lives are so rushed. You know 'Dear God, help me get through the day. You're great, Thanks!' kinda prayers. I just can't do that anymore. My friends and I have more needs than to simply give God a quick shout out and expect something in return. He longs to have a relationship with us. We don't deserve it, the answered prayers, but our God is definitely a merciful God and nothing pleases Him more than to help his kids in need. So go to Him in prayer. And so you don't feel guilty for asking, give Him thanks and spend some quiet time with Him. That's all He really wants from us. This quiet time gives me the time I need to just sit and talk with God. It doesn't have to be in a prayer mode, I just simply talk because that's what I do best and He still hears. But the best thing is that I am a better listener now because I am relaxed and am taking the time to listen. And things in my life are starting to change because I am finally listening for once :)

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18- "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus"

Just a quick update

And I thought I would be bored when I didn't work!

Somehow I keep finding things to do! One of them is cook...I have been cooking so much better and healthier now that I have more energy and let me tell you, I honestly FEEL better when I eat food that is supposed to be eaten in a couple days rather than a couple months on a shelf. And so far, my cold is getting better. I hardly cough anymore and my nose runs just once in a while. So thankful for that. My jaw pain is getting better too. My back is still in pain though, whether its from the Neulasta shot or my kidneys working in overdrive, I'll never know...but that pain can go away at ANY TIME! Overall, I'm feeling MUCH better than I did last week. My, what rest can do! Last week was just awful, one of the worst I've had throughout this whole Pursuit (I'll explain later). However, things are looking up again :)

Yesterday I went to my school to let the kiddos know I won't be back for awhile. I read a book about cancer to them. Not much out there for kids on cancer and wondering if that's my calling in life to make my million...I'll write a children's cancer book :) We'll see. They were really awesome about it. I told them that hopefully I get a vacation after all of this is over and as I said good bye, one little guy said 'See when you get back from vacation Miss Laura!' Love it! I spent about two hours there and actually when I got into the car...I was EXHAUSTED! It REALLY made me realize why I was getting so sick before. I was really wearing myself down by being at work. I think things will be more smooth sailing from here on out. Tonight, since it's Friday, we got our traditional Kewpee's and I spent the night with my 'rents since AJ is working. We went and did our 'drive-bys' and watched a movie. The drive-bys are when we go 'drive by' football games and get the short version of it all. Sounds crazy, but I like it because it reminds me of Friday night football games way back when and I think my parents just like my company ;)

Well, that's about it for now. Wanted to give you a short update. Oh-good news!! Cooper is completely potty trained!! It's SO GREAT!!! Bad news- he is chewing EVERYTHING! I really understand when kids say 'My dog ate my homework'. Honestly, Cooper ate my lesson plans...and my shoes, and wedding album, and boxes, the Library book, ect. The fun thing is when Cooper brings objects from around the house to me that he chews on when I'm at the computer. I have a collection of things sitting next to my computer as I write one of the blogs. Seriously, it's never less than 3 things he brings me, then I have to return it all to their original spot when I'm done. Oh, and the latest thing is that he likes the bathtub...when I'm in it! Oh, I've got a great story about my bathroom, cancer. and reflection...but I gotta wait until another day. I'm tired!
Night!!

It's a 'Praise the Lord' kinda day!

GREAT NEWS!!!!

CT scan showed that the tumors are HALF the size as they used to be! And no new tumors!! Chemo is working beautifully!

Yesterday I went to St.Rita's Wellness Center to get my mammogram done (very nice place by the way!) and when I got there, they said they would start with an ultrasound since I was so young. I laid down on the bed, and she asked what was going on. I told her I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma and now I have a 'lumpy booby too' :) She laughed and I showed the nurse where the lump was, and she put the warm goo on. As I looked at the ultrasound, I saw lots of gray...then a big black circle appeared. My heart sank into my stomach and I asked in a crackling voice 'Is that what I think it is?'. I waited to hear the words 'yes honey, I'm sorry.' and hear what my new future which now had TWO kinds of cancers had in store. However, she said, 'Actually, it's only a cyst. See how it is black in the middle? That's what we like to see. That means it is fluid filled cyst.' PHEW!!!! I took a deep breath of relief! She said with everything going on right now, we are just going to leave it alone until it really starts to bother me. I was even more relieved to hear that! I was not looking forward to having it removed while going through chemo...who knows what could happen in this body anymore?!

So needless to say, I am praising the Lord for not giving me any more than I can handle. I mean two cancers, REALLY would have tested my faith. Things in life happen for a reason, usually to teach you a lesson. I think I just needed shaken up a bit to make me realize I was doing to much. I was wearing myself down as each new week came along, trying to push myself and please everyone in my world. Now is not the time in my life to try to be pleasing people. It's about me, and I will use that 'Cancer Card' right now and be selfish. :) That means learning how to say the word 'No'. I gotta figure out the Laura of the past, the Laura of the present with cancer, and the Laura for the future... a healthy, strong, and useful Laura. But for now, 'I'm listening Lord. I may fight and yell along the way, but I am listening to You and I am resting. Because even when I kick and scream along the way...You remain faithful. Speak to me during this time. Give me clarity and purpose. Thank you for taking care of me, giving me opportunities in my times of distress, and giving me my time to figure things out (with little nudges along the way' :)


'You can't smooth out the surf, but you can learn to ride the waves."
- Author unknown

It's My Night!

Lima Fire Department Banquet!!

I've been a little down lately, simply because my 'fun' plans have not worked out like I'd hoped. I really wanted to do the Hocking Hills trip planned, but chemo and being sick stopped me there. And I wasn't able to make it to the Labor Day picnic like planned either. Then, when this past week with the rash, the lump found, chemo, and now not going back to work came around, I was starting to get worried that my next 'fun' thing planned was going to get cancelled too, just like the rest. Since I found out about the Lima Fire Dept Banquet in July, I have had my heart set on going. Not only would I get to see my man all dressed up, but I would also get to see the fun group of girls that the firemen are all married too :) When Saturday came around, I was bound and determined that nothing was going to stop me. And I didn't let it either! I was tired and sore, but I didn't care. After everything I have been through lately, I felt like I deserved this night. And I am so glad I went. I was able to get all dressed up, become LuLu, and really have a great time! Even though I spent most of my time sitting and watching all the fun take place, I was just really happy to be there. In those moments, I felt like I had a normal life again. I didn't think about my treatments, or my upcoming ultrasound. I didn't think about my lesson plans, or when I was suppose to take my next pill. For one night, I felt like me, the old Laura. I felt pretty, happy, content. I think I was on adrenaline the whole night! And vicodine :) But I made it there and my body cooperated enough to allow me to smile...and have one slow dance with my husband. :)


I was so lucky to find the dress I did for this event too. Can you beat a $14.00 dress at Macy's?! It fit so well and covered my port just awesome! However, I wasn't sure on jewelry for this dress, until something came in the mail. A couple days before the banquet, I received a package in the mail from an unknown sender. My mind was completely boggled as I opened up the package to see a black velvet case with a silver bracelet inside. I was so confused though because I couldn't figure out who sent this beautiful beaded bracelet with a pearl, cross, and heart pendent. Then I saw the inscription on the heart, Warrior Chick. :) When I saw this, I knew right away. There are people out there who just 'know'. And if you are able to meet one of these people, you are truly a lucky person. I'm one of those lucky people. These are people who are not looking for praise, just showing how much they care. They are truly appreciated by me because they are not only my friends on earth and brother/sister in my Heavenly Family, but they are prayer warriors for me during this time. When I saw this bracelet, I thought about the words, Warrior Chick, and how right now I really look like one underneath all the hair and makeup. I'm still a fighter, even on my down days. And I'm still a chick, even with drawn on eyebrows, a wig, and about 12 eye lashes accounted for :) By the way, Mary Kay Ultimate Lash Mascara is amazing...it took my 12 eye lashes left to new heights!! But not only do I look like a Warrior Chick with my hair all gone, better yet, I FEEL like one! Inside, I really do feel like I already have this cancer word conquered. My battle at this point, is the actual Laura that is inside there. I'm starting to find out who she really is. There is a fight going on inside me that is even bigger than cancer. It's how to live this Life the way it was truly meant to be lived. Oh my you guys, there are thoughts in my head that both scare me and excite me...and I am so glad that I have the time now to sit and reflect on them. Even though these eyes are tired, my mind is still awake and running like wild!

So here's to working towards being a true Warrior Chick...inside and out!

The Time Has Come...

#5 chemo is D-O-N-E!! Can you say LUCKY?!?! I was like 95 % sure I would not have chemo because of this cold yesterday. However, since it just seems to be a virus and no infection (no fluid in my lungs and no fever) he said 'let's do it...and let's not go back to work'.

Chemo once again left me feeling nauseated and sick yesterday (thank goodness for anti-nausea shots and pills! It would be so much worse!), even more so I think because I was already tired and not feeling 100%. I slept forever and luckily my appetite started coming back later in the night. AJ and I rented a movie, I didn't even watch the first 5 minutes before I was asleep. However...the time has come. I didn't want to do it and I fought every person I know who told me I was crazy for not doing it. But yesterday after chemo, I went to my job and let them know that I would not be coming back until this whole thing is over. I've done enough crying over the last few weeks that I didn't cry there. They were all more than supportive. Dena told me that it was something that I needed to figure out on my own timing, even though everyone knew I shouldn't be there to begin with. She was right, but I was stubborn Laura :) I think if I would have a job where it wasn't so physically, mentally, and emotionally draining, I could persevere and keep on going. But my body is telling me no, and I have to go through the emotions of this...however right now I feel like a failure. I really wanted to work through cancer. I know, I know...but let me get through this emotion and I will come to my senses later :)


I think after my OB/GYN visit on Wednesday, I need now not only a physical break so my body can fight off all the germs better, but more importantly, I need a mental health break! Sometimes I feel on overload with this whole thing and forget about real Life. I'm in this pause mode and I can't move forward or backwards, I can't think, I can't talk, I'm just not me. Planning ahead is awful for me right now and those that know me, I have like my life planned out a year ahead (or at least thought about). This time in my life is not about cancer anymore, it is teaching me a much more valuable life lesson about me always wanting to having control. Unfortunately, we can only control so much of our lives and we all need to realize that. Not everyone is going to like us, not everything will go your way, and definitely we will not get everything we want. I'm going to take this time to work on these things in my life. I'll let you know how it goes! But, I want to say that I am sorry to a few people...

Andrew- Good thing you work 24 hour shifts my friend! ;) We will need this when we have to be around each other all the time now. You stuck with my through all of this, I'm not sure how many guys your age would. You are a trooper for sure with this crazy girl...and I look forward to many more RADICAL times my love. Thank you for reminding me that my body is temple and that I need to take care of it first. 1 Cor. 6:19-20 "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body".
Mom/Dad- you have dealt with me in all my moods. Even to the point where I had to give you your purse and say it's time to leave. Sorry :) Thanks for waiting me out on this one and letting me do it on my own timing.
Dena- sorry for my lack of concentration and leadership abilities at work. You know I hate telling you what to do, that's why I am so happy you read my mind so well. Thank you also for dealing with me during this time and being such a good friend.
To all of you- I'm sorry if I have not answered my phone right away (especially you Sarah J. cause I know how much it frustrates you!) answered my text, or simply thanked you for all the love, gifts, support, and most of all PRAYERS! I truly, truly believe that by having a RELATIONSHIP with God, He hears our prayers and listens carefully. He already has His plan for my life, keep praying for my guidance to listen to Him and follow His plan, not my own...and to all of you who told me to stop working a long time ago.

Today has started out good so far. I do not feel too nauseated yet, my head isn't too congested to the point where it feels like it could explode, and I started out energetic today. I got my Neulasta shot this morning, but it's starting to wear me down already. I have a night ahead of me that I have been looking forward too for awhile, so I am going to rest up now so I can go! Look for pictures of the night later on!!