On the treatment road again...

Yesterday I went to school and it was good to see the kids again, but even better was my relaxing massage with my momma at Jewels Health and Beauty Spa…you’re one of a kind at Jewels (don’t those advertisement songs just get in your head!). Thanks again momma! But when we came outside, my mom was admiring these beautiful red roses, then she looks at me. She said, ‘Those have our names on them.’ I finally noticed what she was talking about because I’m always in my own little world, and right there on the counter were two vases, one for her and one for me, that had a dozen red roses in them! We asked what was going on and actually no one who was working knew at the moment. Well since I am noisy, I said it has our names on it so I’m gonna look at the card. Inside, all it said was Surprise. I knew right then…my dad :) We called him and he told us that he was planning on doing a surprise for awhile now, then when I mentioned how much I love surprises a couple days ago…he knew just what to put on the card. What a great dad, huh? Then today, I received a candle from a fundraiser I supported for Little Miss Miracle, and it wasn’t even the candle I ordered! It was a gift from a very special friend. I am sure blessed and THANKFUL for those blessings in my life!

So that brings me to today. I woke up early and the simple lyrics by Jeremy Camp were in my head ‘In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus. When I am alone, give me Jesus. And when I come to die, give me Jesus. You can have all this world, but give me Jesus.’ Don’t know why, but it comforted me and my anxious nerves. Probably because I know that all I simply need in this world is Jesus and I can fight through literally anything this world throws at me now. So take the world, I don’t need it…but give me Jesus. Because then some how, you find true strength and happiness. So Andrew and I went to the Cancer Center in Celina where the other office is. It was good, but the one in Lima just feels like ‘home’ to me. :) It didn’t matter though, I could have heard the news in Lima, Celina, or Canada for that matter! Heck for all I cared, I could have been naked at the top of Mt.Rushmore and had the appointment (would rather not though), I just wanted to hear my future for the next few months! ;) Then I got it, the news I had been waiting to hear. The PET scan showed that I have reduced metabolic activity which means the cancer has not spread anymore!!! PRAISE THE LORD!! And the tumors are about a ¼ the size as they were at the half way point. The biggest one is now 3.5cm, remember it started at 9.5cm. The others are almost there, 1.5cm, and some are even gone! I am making progress! This means that I do not have to receive anymore chemotherapy treatments and we will move right onto radiation therapy. PRAISE THE LORD AGAIN!!! Although it would be nice to be all done, I am reminded that we are moving in the direction that will make me better and not any sicker, so I am thrilled at this point :) I'm on the road to recovery you guys, like packed and sitting in the car ready...let's freakin' GO!! :) My doctor doesn’t seem to be too concerned about my other symptoms yet. My body is still irritated and inflamed internally in some places from the chemo treatments, so that means it will go away hopefully in the near future. He gave me some medicine to help the pain as everything settles down inside my body.

So the next step is radiation. What’s that??? You wanna hear Whitesnake ‘Here I go again?' ;) Well at least this time I’m not on my own. I got all you guys for support this time around. I go this Thursday to St. Rita’s Allison Radiation Oncology Center for my consult appointment with my new radiation oncologist. From there, I will know how much, how often, where at…all the good stuff that goes with my new treatment plan. Ready, set, GO!!! We are moving, now all I have to do is read up on radiation…geez, I just got my Masters degree in Google searching chemo! Guess I’ll just move onto my Doctorate in radiation. :D So if we keep moving at this rate…I may take a deep breath into 2011 with a clean bill of health! Hey, it's good to have goals! By the way...I talked to a homeless man yesterday too...not for very long, but it's a start. Check that off my Bucket List! And tonight is another Sister’s Night…oh boy this should be a hoot! Dinner at Beer Barrel and a movie, Love and other drugs. Can’t wait to celebrate with them and so many more people this Thanksgiving weekend!! Happy almost Thanksgiving everyone!

My surprises!!

My puppy Coopy :)

My kitty Koko :)

My 'mini' Oprah experiance...

I was watching Oprah today, and of course it was ANOTHER Oprah’s favorite things show. This is the show where she gives away her favorite things to the people in the audience. Well, as I was sitting at home on my couch, not in the audience :), I of course was thinking about how awesome it would be to be there in Chicago…but not for the gifts actually. I would have liked the point of just being surprised as much, if not more, than the gifts! I love surprises (my dad is the best at this!). I really want to be surprised like that sometime in my life...doesn't have to be a car, coming home to a clean house would be just as great (hint hint hubby ;) And actually, I kinda got a surprise today! I was watching Oprah give away the glitter Ugg boots and what literally comes to my door within MINUTES?! The mailman with a pair of Ugg boots just for me! It was an Oprah miracle! ;) Now, this was actually my Christmas present so of course I was already expecting it, but just not at that moment like the Oprah audience! So for just a second, I felt like I was there getting my Ugg boots with the rest of the audience and I smiled, in my living room all by myself :) If I never get to be in the Oprah audience one day, I at least have this memory! Oprah at the end said that although it is great to receive all these gifts, it’s really all about Hope. Just knowing that something joyful and magical can happen to you when you least expect it. Hang on to hope people…and if my cancer can be cured, I don’t need Oprah to witness something joyful or magical. :)

So as we all know the ‘big day’ is coming soon. I want to believe with everything in me that the cancer in my body is gone. That the chemotherapy treatment did the job intended. However, I know how my body feels. There is still some discomfort going on. The reality you guys is that ‘it’ could still be there. I’m not going to be mad or upset if I hear that news because I have prepared myself to hear that radiation is in my future. It’s not something I want, but who really does want radiation? So this week to prepare myself, I am praying Psalm 112:6-8 (I changed the he’s to I in this so that I can make it my own personal prayer this week as I head in for my ‘big news’ on Wednesday morning) - ‘Surely I will never be shaken; a righteous woman will be remembered forever. I will have no fear of bad news; my heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. My heart is secure, I will have no fear; in the end I will look in triumph on my disease.’
I’m not living in fear anymore; I am however living with curiosity about the possibility of other side effects from my treatments. Hey! Did you know that my ‘chemo brain’ is an actual side effect? Its short term memory loss…I totally had that while I had chemo! So weird that people out there actually called it 'chemo brain' too. Anyways, along with my wondering mind about infertility and my lung function, I’m also curious (not fearful, because I know my future is laid out already for a reason, I just need to find it) because my GI track will not make up it’s mind and I have this ‘burning’ in the middle of my chest. I’m not sure if it is the lungs or the stomach, or both at this point. Needless to say, I am so ready to hear my results and make a plan to get me healthy again! I know I’m jumping the gun, but all I want for Christmas is my health back…whatever that is these days :) In the mean time, it is a time to be thankful and I should be giving thanks instead of whining about my curious brain. Please know, I am thankful. For so much, even ‘dirty chemo drugs’ that are making me healthy again so that I can give many more thanks in the future. Tomorrow I am going to see the kids at school for their Thanksgiving Day feast really quick, and then I get to have a massage with my momma. Man am I thankful for her too right now :)

Pics from a cancer chick (:-D

Hey all...here are some more of my favorites from the photo shoot I named Pics from a cancer chick ( :-D (see my bald smiley face too??) Thanks again to my friends, those who could and couldn't be there this day, and to Jessica Paxon Photography for documenting this time in my life and for giving me a day, and time period in my life, that I will certainly NEVER forget! I hope you all are just as touched as I was when I saw these, I still can't believe that is me sometime. Thank you so much for encouraging me to share these with you :)


Isn't the scenery beautiful! What an artist God is!

I feel like a model in these ones!

I am WOMAN! Full of strength and beauty!!

I like these ones in my comfy clothes! You know me and my love for comfy clothes :)

I get teary eyed when I see this one...it's like my eyes are telling the story of the bittersweetness of this pursuit.

And this one could tell a story too! My husband, my love!

Bye Bye wig!!

This Wednesday is the 'big day' when I find out what the next month or two has in store for my life. Help me be patient and understanding again Lord. I keep going back to the song I sang as a child...ok and teenager too:)

My God is so BIG, my God is so MIGHTY, there's nothing my God cannot do!

The Bucket List

It’s Friday night again…it was 8:08 when I sat down and decided to watch a movie. How the Grinch stole Christmas was on, but it’s not even Thanksgiving yet, so I couldn’t watch that. Then I turned to TNT, The Bucket List! Oh, yeah I have always wanted to watch that movie! So I cuddled up in my blanket…AND LAUGHED!!! This movie made me laugh out loud that it hurt in my chest…augh, cancer. Jack Nickelson and Morgan Freeman are two old guys that find out they have cancer and end up becoming friends in the hospital room they share. Jack is a grumpy, rich man and Morgan is a hard working, middle class man. I just have to quote some of these funny lines! Like when Jack got rolled into the hospital he said, ‘And I want to talk to Dr. Frankenstein about that Bleomycin shit. I hear it eats your lungs.’ Totally relate to that! And when the doctor tells him he has to have chemo in the morning he says soothingly, ‘Oh, the smell of chemo in the morning.’ :) You have to hear the sarcasm from them. Great duo. Then, when Jack is done puking from chemo, he says, ‘Some lucky guy right now is having a heart attack.’ Took the words out of my mouth!

But what I really liked was the idea of making a Bucket list. You know, write down the things you want to do before you kick the bucket. Life isn’t about living a metaphor, it’s about the actual LIVING part. Morgan said in the movie that he always wanted to go back to school to be a history teacher, but 45 years goes by fast. I don’t want to be that person 45 years down the road saying, oh I should have…So here it is. This is my current Bucket List…beware, I dream big...and a lot.:)

See New York City at Christmas…especially Rockefeller Center and the ‘Big Tree’
Scuba dive in a coral reef and surf on my 5 Year anniversary in Hawaii
Volunteer my time to something I would never do.
Take a hot air balloon ride…I came so close this fall!
Run a marathon…I want to have a number on my shirt. And run like I know these lungs can.
Take a cruise to Alaska…mainly to see the whales.
Own a boat…two down, a few upgrades to go yet.
Have at least 20 more sister nights where we laugh ‘til we cry.
Watch a Vegas show in person…nothing dirty. Just to be in total awe of it.
Frame my own art work. My parents did it in high school, but I want to try again.
Have a walk in closet…my fashion life would be easier.
Take a missions trip to Africa…and definitely do a safari.
Make out in public…to be caught totally off guard by my husband in front of a hundred people if I want to get real picky.
Take my loved ones to the Virgin Islands…its close to Heaven.
Own just one pair of Jimmy Choo shoes…I want the red bottoms.
Give something away that I totally love…to learn it’s not all about possessions in life (bye-bye jimmy shoes)
Go skinny dipping...
Go to an Oprah show, even if I’m in the back row…I’ve tried but I think it’s impossible to get tickets.
Save someone’s life...wow.
Take my parents to see Billings, Montana where they used to live…I want to see them smile.
Ride in a limo with the sunroof open…you know what comes next. :)
Direct a Children’s Christmas Play…those were some of the best times.
Talk to a homeless person…oh the lesson’s I would learn.
See baby sea turtles hatch…it happens in South Carolina near my aunt’s house.
Do some serious fine dining…like risotto, 5 star, black dress/black tie dining.
Go on a Youth Trip as a chaperon to see what we put them though.
Have true friendships…the ups, the downs, the forgiveness, and the laughs.
Write a book…
Experience labor…I’d go through it a hundred times just to have my own child.
When I’m old, have a big family that sits around a table, with a dinner that I cooked, and eats together. I want to be a grandma too.
Read the entire NIV Bible…yes, even the boring books.
Sing a song for an audience…that perfect song made just for me.
Give my children every opportunity I had as a child…and know the meaning of work.
Go to Europe…and see it all.
Make a difference…somehow.
Die in my sleep…because I don’t like pain.

Some of this won’t happen, I know. Oprah herself would have to call my work to let me come to her show because I’m out of personal and sick days :) But seriously, I’m glad I at least have some things in life to dream about. I’ve done some amazing things already with this 26 years of life…swimming with dolphins, graduating from college with my last name on the diploma, landing my dream job two weeks after I graduated, experiencing crazy true love and marrying the cutest guy in town :), and soon to be a cancer survivor. And if I can fulfill at least some of this stuff on my bucket list before I see Jesus, I am one very lucky girl. I want to make sure I had joy in my life and was a joy to someone else’s life before I kick the bucket. Like the movie says, Today I lived to die another day. I just want to make sure I’m LIVING in the process.

I Cried.

I finally let it out and I cried today. I mean I cried, a lot. Andrew wasn’t here to see it. Luckily he wasn’t...Im not sure if he would have consoled me or laughed at me :) I cried because of everything, good and bad, sometimes a girl just needs a good cry. I cried because I don’t know what’s in store and I can’t make a plan yet. I cried because I can't get the words out that are in my head. I cried because things are so clear, but yet so foggy in my head. I cried because I can’t remember what I tell or didn't tell people…especially my husband and it gets me into trouble at times. I cried because I love my mom so much. I cried because I miss Grandma Mary. I cried because I feel like I could be a better wife, friend, daughter, and coworker. I cried because I love my dog, but he is chewing everything! I cried because of how beautiful Jessica made my pictures. I cried because I really do have THE BEST support group out there. I cried because I think my cat hates me. I cried because my chili finally turned out good. I cried because I don’t want to fold my socks. I cried because all I really want to eat is Oreos for breakfast. I cried because I just saw how much cancer costs. I cried for the people out there who have no one to talk to about their problems. I cried for my friends who are in pain and there isn’t a thing I can do to make it go away. I cried because I have no idea what’s happening inside my body and I feel I have no control. I cried because I’m still a girl and I still have hormones. And I cried because I’m done with cancer…but it’s not.
So what did I do next? I took my Kleenex’s to the bathroom and finished crying in the bathtub. :) I didn't write this for you to feel bad for me, I just wanted to be honest and remember the day I felt like this girl below. I cry too, I’m not perfect and I don't hold it together all the time. And I didn't even have a good reason to cry today. I think it just needed to come out. One time a doctor told me I itched all the time because I held in my feelings too much. Well there was no itching today my friends! :D Today, I just needed a good cry. And I feel so much better now.


When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.
-Harriet Beecher Stowe, novelist

Maybe this is a turning point for me…I’ll learn something from this good cry today, but for now, a few more tears won’t hurt :)
Have a good cry tonight if you need it...from experience, it really makes you feel better! No matter if you are a man or woman!

THAT's what Friends are for...Making Bald Beautiful.

In Galatians 6:2 we are told to carry each others burdens. Here are just a few people who did that for me on a day I will absolutely never forget...



My friends are amazing...
Have I already said that before??? But really, they are. Here’s the story...

There is an amazing photographer in town named Jessica Paxson. I knew I wanted to document my time with cancer and writing it down in the blog has been great. But my new physical appearance has been life changing too and my own pictures never did justice to show this side of cancer...The beautiful side. :) So what did my friends do? They helped me carry a cancer burden by stepping in and giving me a wonderful day of celebration and beauty. They surprised me by not only going with me to get my pictures taken, but by getting my make up professionally done, buying a new outfit, toasting to being done with chemo during lunch, and then off to a great photo session with the one and only Jessica Paxson Photography. We had to cancel a few times due to chemo, but these ladies didn't let me down and made me move forward with this type of documentation...even when I was unsure. Cancer isn't something you choose to get, but how you handle it is something you can choose. I chose to grab it and run with it, making it the best it can be. So here is to all of the bald women out there, even us who have that darn 20% stubble left! :) This one is definitely for YOU!!! Because if you have supportive friends, family, and a husband like me...bald really is beautiful. So go out there, get all glammed up, and take a picture of this time in your life! Even if you aren't bald, start documenting your life and see what your story is...and get your pictures taken by Jessica Paxson Photography, you will not regret it!

Tara, Laura, and Ashley...friends since the fourth grade! Ash-Ta-Loo!! :)

My husband and his bald wife ;)

There are so many more pictures to come that are just awesome...just wait!! :) Thank you Ashley, Tara, and Jessica! There are just not even enough Thank You's out there for how you girls took what looked like a bad situation, gave it a new beautiful perspective, and made me smile.

More than just a Question in a Journal...

Yesterday I was at the hospital and all went well. Just a long day. But knowing that I had my hospital sisters there with me made me happy. I didn’t feel so alone as I got the scans. Not only was my real sister Sarah there to help me laugh before I went in to do the PET and CT scan (like when asked to fill out paper work and it asked to write down the reason why we were there... I put 'The 'c' word :) We are trouble together!) But I had my other two friends (yesterday I called us ‘hospital sisters’ because we were all in different hospitals at the same time for a day) were in Columbus and Wisconsin finding out their health fate too. So I didn't feel so scared or alone. I’m glad we all have each other to help get through these tough times when we are all still so young to be dealing with all this.

So no news yet. I will not know anything about the status of my tumors until I see the doctor next Wednesday, right before Thanksgiving. That’s a lot of waiting for my results! Like I said, yesterday was a long day in itself and during the time in-between my tests, I looked into my over-filled purse full of junk and found my journal that I started before I found this blog. I started reading, as well as reliving, some of the feelings I had when this Pursuit first started. Here’s an excerpt from my journal…

Thursday 6/17/10 - ‘I heard the words. I couldn’t comprehend them. I knew I had heard the words Hodgkin’s Lymphoma before, but was it true. Do I have cancer? I had to ask the doctor again over the phone as AJ pulled into the nearest parking lot. ‘Is this...cancer?’ When he told me yes, I started to shake, and cry. The questions I paid no attention to in the past were now in my head…’Did I do something to deserve this? How much time do I have? Will I need chemotherapy? Will I die?’
I realized, as I sat there in the hospital where it all began, that some of those questions have been answered. Did I do something to deserve this? No, no one deserves cancer and you don’t get it because you’ve been bad. It just happens, to both good and bad people. How much time will I have? Well, so far I have had 4 months, 29 days, 6 hours, and 14 minutes (roughly ;). I’m blessed to have that! Will I need chemotherapy? Yes, but it’s ok because it’s going to make me healthy again. And Will I die? Yes, one day I will die. That was a dumb question though, because I know I’m going to die. That’s one thing in this life I CAN count on. The better question I should have asked was Am I prepared for the day I die? So, I ask myself that question now...Laura, are you prepared to die?

My answer is yes. Yes, because even if cancer wins, my last breath will be on earth and my next breath will be in heaven; and be rest assured that I will see my loved ones again, and I as well as them will be more beautiful and complete than ever. Isn’t it wonderful to believe in the God who created the heavens and earth, that even after we mess up so many times, He still accepts us in heaven? All we have to do is accept Him as God and ask for the forgiveness we are so undeserving of. But that’s just how much He loves us, that He would forgive a sinner like me (John 3:16)

Dear God,
Thank you for loving me so much that You would send your own son, Jesus Christ, to die for us. So that we can be with You and our family who believes in You again in heaven. We don’t deserve this, but thank you. Because it gives me a reason to not be scared of cancer or anything else on this earth. Knowing I will be with You in the end where there is no sadness leaves me not in tears of fear, but in tears of gratitude. So I am not afraid to die because I have You there waiting for me. My source of strength and my constant comforter when I'm scared out of my mind. Forgive me please of my sins and thank you for washing them away each and every time I confess them. Thank you or giving me a new chance each time I mess up too. That’s why you are so awesome. Please help me to have a better relationship with you everyday. Because that’s all you really ask of us.
Love you,
Me Laura

This Pursuit has become so much more to me and is becoming clearer to me everyday. It's not just about cancer anymore as you can see, it's about Life and how cancer woke me up to Life. I’m starting to gathering my thoughts for the day when I make my last blog entry. The day when I have won my battle with cancer. It should be a doosy :) OH!!!! AND......I have some AMAZING pictures to show you soon...I am getting really excited about this!!!!