Wanting more than a Pumpkin Life for this Girl.

Alaina got her hair cut! My friend and fellow teacher Alaina is awesome, because when she was in the hospital this past fall, I went to see her and she told me she was going to chop her hair off when I would stop using my white hat...and I can't believe she followed through! Back in February, she was going to cut her hair then and donate it, but it wasn't long enough yet, so we had to wait. Well, she still did it and what a friend I have! We are two of a kind and her friendship this past year means the world :)

I’m serious, life is just FLYING by these days! When Alaina was measuring her hair in February seems like last week! March went fast, and now April is going even faster!! The best part is that SUMMER will be here before we know it (bought a new swimsuit and all!!) I’m ready because these cold, rainy days are not cutting it for this girl. I need my sunshine after last year without it! Summer means swimming at the pool, vacations, and baseball games. Andrew even got to do the honor guard and present the colors at the Reds opener this year with the Fire Dept.! Awesome! This week we get spring break starting on Thursday, and I’m going to try and get some IEP’s done so I can enjoy it!

Well, my fear came true. I did turn back into a pumpkin. I had the fear that after my cancer I wouldn’t be able to get the ‘Cinderella type insights’ that I had during cancer. During cancer, God was so real and close to me, that it was truly an inspiring experience for me. It truly did change me. But now that I am ‘disease free’, I don’t get those insights as often, or rather, I don’t explore them enough to have them develop (lack of time maybe?). My focus during cancer was to take in everything I could, because it was eye awakening how little time we have on earth. And I have been learning new lessons…but I feel like I take it at ‘surface level’ now (it could be because I am still trying to instill everything I learned from my Pursuit). I talked about this at lunch on Friday when I ate with 2 other coworkers. We were talking about our health and my blog came up. They let me know that during my time with cancer, the blog was inspiring and helping them as well. I give that glory to God, because I know I wouldn’t have been able to just come up with all those insights on my own. I actually teared up because I told them it was hard to balance work and life and that I wanted to take more time to dig deeper into the new things I’m learning. But life gets BUSY! When I was having chemo treatments and had time off, I had a lot of time to think, and I loved it! I did a lot of healing during my time with cancer, and in all honestly, I am paying more attention to Life and learning more now because of that experience. But I still want more. :) I’m glad I haven’t reached the top where I feel content in life, because what the heck would I have to live for then…I am only 26 years old! (For just two more weeks!) For the time being, I have to learn how to balance my time and to not hold guilt. God wants a relationship with us, and right now, we got it going on! I really am doing good, I’m eating better, spending my alone time to reflect at night, trying to serve others the best I can (and I have to realize that includes my job too, so I have to give myself credit there in the serving deptartment), but I would just like even more balance in my life. God knows my time and how I manage it, I can’t trick Him, but I will keep looking for ways to dig deeper than what I am already...and still going to church by myself on Sundays when Andrew works is a great start! :) Thanks Alli for taking me in on Sunday mornings :)

So the update with my back…the doctor called last week and confirmed what I already knew, the cysts are still in my spinal cord. Its still crazy to me, because I have lived with this pain for 5 years now, so when my back hurts from washing the dishes…now I know why. And when I walk the dog and am in pain…I know why. Which bums me out because I can’t exactly run this marathon in October with this pain. And it makes me wonder what options they are going to give me. Anything to avoid surgery is what I want deep down. But to have relief from this kind of pressure on my back would be an incredible life style that I haven’t had in a long time! So I pray for God’s wisdom once again in my life. That we will figure out this body of mine, so that I can carry my baby one day without any harm. Now THAT will be a time to really think about balance in life!! :)

It's about that time, Army Wives will be on soon... but I think I'll write another blog this week to catch you up on what's going on inside my spine and body. It can be confusing, everyone knows cancer...but chiari malformation and syringomyelia is a whole different world!