More than just a Question in a Journal...

Yesterday I was at the hospital and all went well. Just a long day. But knowing that I had my hospital sisters there with me made me happy. I didn’t feel so alone as I got the scans. Not only was my real sister Sarah there to help me laugh before I went in to do the PET and CT scan (like when asked to fill out paper work and it asked to write down the reason why we were there... I put 'The 'c' word :) We are trouble together!) But I had my other two friends (yesterday I called us ‘hospital sisters’ because we were all in different hospitals at the same time for a day) were in Columbus and Wisconsin finding out their health fate too. So I didn't feel so scared or alone. I’m glad we all have each other to help get through these tough times when we are all still so young to be dealing with all this.

So no news yet. I will not know anything about the status of my tumors until I see the doctor next Wednesday, right before Thanksgiving. That’s a lot of waiting for my results! Like I said, yesterday was a long day in itself and during the time in-between my tests, I looked into my over-filled purse full of junk and found my journal that I started before I found this blog. I started reading, as well as reliving, some of the feelings I had when this Pursuit first started. Here’s an excerpt from my journal…

Thursday 6/17/10 - ‘I heard the words. I couldn’t comprehend them. I knew I had heard the words Hodgkin’s Lymphoma before, but was it true. Do I have cancer? I had to ask the doctor again over the phone as AJ pulled into the nearest parking lot. ‘Is this...cancer?’ When he told me yes, I started to shake, and cry. The questions I paid no attention to in the past were now in my head…’Did I do something to deserve this? How much time do I have? Will I need chemotherapy? Will I die?’
I realized, as I sat there in the hospital where it all began, that some of those questions have been answered. Did I do something to deserve this? No, no one deserves cancer and you don’t get it because you’ve been bad. It just happens, to both good and bad people. How much time will I have? Well, so far I have had 4 months, 29 days, 6 hours, and 14 minutes (roughly ;). I’m blessed to have that! Will I need chemotherapy? Yes, but it’s ok because it’s going to make me healthy again. And Will I die? Yes, one day I will die. That was a dumb question though, because I know I’m going to die. That’s one thing in this life I CAN count on. The better question I should have asked was Am I prepared for the day I die? So, I ask myself that question now...Laura, are you prepared to die?

My answer is yes. Yes, because even if cancer wins, my last breath will be on earth and my next breath will be in heaven; and be rest assured that I will see my loved ones again, and I as well as them will be more beautiful and complete than ever. Isn’t it wonderful to believe in the God who created the heavens and earth, that even after we mess up so many times, He still accepts us in heaven? All we have to do is accept Him as God and ask for the forgiveness we are so undeserving of. But that’s just how much He loves us, that He would forgive a sinner like me (John 3:16)

Dear God,
Thank you for loving me so much that You would send your own son, Jesus Christ, to die for us. So that we can be with You and our family who believes in You again in heaven. We don’t deserve this, but thank you. Because it gives me a reason to not be scared of cancer or anything else on this earth. Knowing I will be with You in the end where there is no sadness leaves me not in tears of fear, but in tears of gratitude. So I am not afraid to die because I have You there waiting for me. My source of strength and my constant comforter when I'm scared out of my mind. Forgive me please of my sins and thank you for washing them away each and every time I confess them. Thank you or giving me a new chance each time I mess up too. That’s why you are so awesome. Please help me to have a better relationship with you everyday. Because that’s all you really ask of us.
Love you,
Me Laura

This Pursuit has become so much more to me and is becoming clearer to me everyday. It's not just about cancer anymore as you can see, it's about Life and how cancer woke me up to Life. I’m starting to gathering my thoughts for the day when I make my last blog entry. The day when I have won my battle with cancer. It should be a doosy :) OH!!!! AND......I have some AMAZING pictures to show you soon...I am getting really excited about this!!!!

Heading back to the 'Cancer World' tomorrow...

Do you ever get annoyed when the nurses call you to confirm your appointments…like you didn’t already know? Well, I found out today why they call. It’s because of people like me! If they wouldn’t have called on Friday to remind me about tomorrow, I would have shown up on Wednesday like I thought. I can still blame chemo brain can’t I?? So tomorrow I get to spend a glorious day at the hospital full of testing. De je vu if you ask me! I feel like I am back in July again…anxiously waiting again for the news of what my future holds! I start tomorrow with fasting until 10:00 when I get my PET scan done. They will test my sugars and then inject me with the radioactive stuff. Then, I sit in that dark room without moving for an hour. After that is all done, I have to stay away from children for 24 hours. I get to have lunch with my sister Sarah after that and at 1:30 I go to get my CT scan. Both of these tests will show the tumors…if they are there :) Remember I’m trying to be optimistic that maybe chemo did a super-duper job and I don’t have to get radiation. But I am also realizing that I am becoming more of a realist through this process…so I’m ready if they tell me they are still there. Although I am very interested to see the progress I have made and rejoice in it, I also have to be prepared to hear the reports on my lungs. I am happy to report that if I had to say if my lungs are getting better or worse…I would say better, but just a little. The CT scan could report that there is scarring on the lungs from the Bleomycin medicine and that is what they will call lung or pulmonary fibrosis. However, because I communicated the discomfort I was having to my doctor early on, I have been off of that IV drug the past 3 rounds of chemo. That means that if there is scarring, it could have been a lot worse if I wouldn’t have told them about my lungs so early on. We will just have to see what the reports say and take it from there. It really isn’t in my hands right now so no need to get worried about the things I can not control :)

So if you have room in your prayers tonight, pray that my body keeps healing and responding to the chemotherapy, and that it will show on the scans that are being done tomorrow. Oh, and I have a confession to make…I went to work on Friday. We do not have students on Fridays and I really wanted to wrap my head around teaching again before I head back with the kids. It was nice to be there, see some familiar faces, and get my hands back into the work I was made to do. I’m glad I wrote this blog while I was sick though. It gave me something to do and feel like I wasn’t alone when this house can get so lonely. You have provided me a place to release my frustrations, share my heart, and ask for your prayers. Thanks for listening, even in the boring times. Tomorrow I go back to the cancer world…wish this Warrior Chick good luck!

Your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing.
Abraham Lincoln, 16th U.S. president

I'm soaring on Eagles wings!

Before you go any further...take a look at the quote from Mark Twain at the bottom of the last blog I just put up…awesome!

Greetings! So how am I doing?? Feeling better every day! There really is light at the end of the chemo tunnel...so hang in there Kara from Wisconsin! Just 2 more...you CAN do it…you are a mom, you can do anything I think! :) I PROMISE you it gets better…PROMISE!

The good news is that my blood pressure is back to where it should be and all the side effects from the shot have worn off! Yea for medicines!! I’m telling you, chemo could have been SO much worse if medicine was not as good as it is now days. I think I may still be doing a little mind over matter too right now because I’m just so happy to be done with chemo that it just makes me feel better anyways! I need to keep reminding myself that my body is still weaker than I think. I’m not a 100% yet so I just need to keep building up my strength and stamina (I can sleep for hours still!) back up. I still hit a wall pretty quick if I ‘do too much’. Wow, I keep saying the word still...maybe I just need to 'Be still' (Psalm 46:10) and know that God's got this. But I am doing my part and getting out more and working on building myself back up so that I CAN GO BACK TO WORK! I can’t go back to work full time yet with the kids because I have some more appointments and the docs want me 100% WELL so that we have no set backs. Boy, am I glad I listen to them, because they are realistic while I am optimistic. The reality is that preschoolers are germy, really germy, and set backs put me in the hospital. I don’t want to go back there! Besides, I have to get a CT scan and PET scan next week which keeps me away from the kids for 24 hours because of the radioactive glucose they inject in me. So I am going to try to build myself up a little more every day and get back to where I feel I need to be after Thanksgiving… my school kids :) See, I’m optimistic!

So pretty much every chemo symptom is gone! Praise the Lord!! The only thing is the obvious lack of immune system, and my lungs…they are not getting any better or worse. I’m not going to freak out yet because it could just be that Bleomycin medicine trying to work its way out of my lungs. I think that may be some of my strength and stamina issue too, I can get so winded so fast and I just need to sit and catch my breath. So as my body is getting stronger I feel, my chemo brain…well that has yet to be determined. :) Just let me tell you what I did…So I was driving home from the doctor’s office and I stopped at a red light. In just two seconds, I totally forgot where I was! I was all turned around and didn’t know what to do! I had people beeping at me to go, but I didn’t know where to go! Then, I went to get some gas and forgot how to pump gas. I put the hose in the gas tank and then just looked at the pump with a confused face, like what’s the next step? I don’t know! Then to top it ALL off…I went to my parent’s house and pulled into the wrong driveway! I pulled into the neighbors drive way! Oh boy…maybe it is a good thing that I am off one more week from the kids. I can’t even begin to imagine the trouble I’d have them in with this chemo brain girl! :)

However, I do take my vitamins like crazy still. I’m telling you people, get the right vitamins to help your body stay healthy and you will help it fight off disease and get back to normal (I like D3 and Fish Oil…although it’s a massive pill!). Although medicines are good and help heal the body, I’d be ridiculous if I said it was just medicine that is making me better. I fully believe that I AM the verse from Isaiah 40:28-31 - He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like an eagle; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. When you pray and believe in this prayer for yourself…it can move mountains in your own life. It makes God so much more real to me. I pray it like this ‘God gives strength to me and increases the power in me. Even I, just 26, can grow tired and weak, and stumble and fall from cancer and chemo. But because I hope in the Lord I WILL have renewed strength again. I will be as strong as an eagle with You by my side. I will live and not be weak. And I will walk with You, then stand strong in Heaven.’ Yes my body is being healed as we speak by the medicines…but something much more is being healed as well. It's the spirit inside this almost healed body. I hope I see you soaring like the eagles beside me one day :)

The Pursuit...not only a story anymore, but now a Boat!

Wow, that was a rough couple of days there…but I’m glad to say that I am doing much better now! For some reason, the side effects lasted ALL day, for 3 days straight. I have never been down that long. When I say down, I mean I did not move from the couch...only to get my shots, go to the bathroom, and get Cooper out of trouble. It was rough. But Sunday, I woke up and it was gone! All the side effects were gone and I was able to move and be apart of civilization again! I was so glad to be able to see some friends for her daughter’s first birthday party and my other friend for her baby shower. Today I went to get my shot again (I get one more tomorrow, they are supposed to help make my levels all normal again), and I've been good so far...just don't want to be too far from a bathroom...oh the joys and realities of cancer! My blood pressure has been low the past few days, but they say it’s because my body has been through so much these past few months. I need to do what they tell me and just keep resting and recuperating so I can get back to the lifestyle I used to have. I also have to drink Ensure :) I’m such an old woman I tell ya! That is pretty much the update. I’m not allowed to go back to the kids yet. My body is still too fragile they say…but after Thanksgiving…HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!! That’s my plan anyways :) We’ll see what happens!

So here is the Chemo is Done present……WE BOUGHT A BOAT! Meet Pursuit!

Yes we did! So Andrew and I were pretty set on taking a cruise this Christmas break to celebrate my soon-to-be remission stage. However, a cruise only lasts 4 days...a BOAT can last years! So we decided to buy a boat and celebrate with a group of friends on a cruise sometime down the line. I'm thinking that We turned 30 cruise is still looking good right ladies?? :) So anyways, Andrew has had a fishing boat for a couple years now and we have always talked about upgrading when the time was right. I wanted to make sure we had the money to pay for it and make sure the timing was right for us. Now seemed as good as time as ever! I couldn't think of any 'why not's'...and we must LIVE right?! So thank you cancer for giving me the ambition to Live. Cause it could have been years before we ever bought a boat again with my pre-chemo brain that over analyzed everything :) Now however, with this boat, we can go water skiing (or at least try) and tubing and take it out on Lake Erie! I AM SO EXCITED FOR SUMMER!! And you should be too because you all are welcome ANYTIME! But the boat holds 7 people (and Cooper) so we can't all go at once :) This isn't our Yacht yet people!

Honestly, I have been very blessed in my life, and my only prayer is that somehow we can pay it forward and give you guys all a fun time out on the lake sometime this summer too. Really! I just want this boat to be a blessing not only in our lives, but in your lives too because you have all been such a blessing in my life. Thank you God for my many blessings in life and please let this boat, the Pursuit, be used as a tool to bless someone else too. You know, sometimes a nice day on the lake can do WONDERS for the mind and body. And docking the boat at Cranberries and getting some fried food isn't too bad either ;) I am happy to see light at the end of my tunnel and know that some of that light is the sun reflecting off the water as I sit and soak it in on the Pursuit...ahhhh, makes me smile! :)

My Loves...



"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
- Mark Twain, American writer

In the words of Shakespeare...

Oh, Chemo how I do not love thee, let me count the ways…

1) I do not love the nausea you give me
2) I do not love the extreme fatigue where I sleep the days away
3) I do not love the sore throats from the shots
4) I do not love getting 4 shots over 4 days to make me better on top of the IV drugs
5) I do not love the throbbing jaw pain
6) I do not love the killer back pains
7) I do not love the migraines
8) I do not love how I smell like chemo for two days
9) I do not love how the beeps go off in the middle of treatment that wake me up
10) I do not love how you mess up my digestive system. Can’t I just be regular?!
11) I do not love how I can’t decide if I want hard or soft foods because which would it hurt less…my stomach or throat
12) I do not love the achy bones or the flu like symptoms
13) I do not love how my lungs feel like I’ve been running in the cold
14) I do not love how you give me ‘chemo brain’ and I can’t think straight
15) I do not love that you took my thick eyelashes
16) I do not love that I can’t just get up and go like I used to
17) I do not love…well, I just do not love you right now.
If you can't tell, I'm not quite over the after chemo symptoms yet :)

I do however love that you challenge me internally to be stronger than what I think I can be. And that you’ve shown me that my own strength is not going to be sufficient enough to live through this Life alone. I love how you have shown me to lean not only on others in my times of need…but on the source that is most high. I do love how you are healing my body, I just wish you didn’t have to break it down first. But that’s kind of like what we have to do with God. Become vulnerable and break ourselves down before Him so that we may be healed forever in His name. I sing this song today as a source of strength to get through these last chemo side effects…which seems like the harshest side effects yet…

I stand to praise You
But I fall on my knees
My spirit is willing
But my flesh is so weak

So Light the fire
In my soul
Fan the flame
Make me whole
Lord, You know
Just where I've been
So light the fire
in my heart again

I feel Your arms around me
As the power of
Your healing begins
Your spirit moves through me
Like a mighty rushing wind.

'Lord, please move through me today, make me whole again, and light the fire in me so that it burns brighter than ever before! I'm feeling weak this round and need to feel Your arms around me these next few days. Thank you God!'

Give me another day my friends to get past these side effects...I want to feel really good when I reveal to you the After Chemo Gift because I'm really excited about it :) Thank you for your prayers of healing!

Last treatment…take Two!

Wow, am I glad that my chemotherapy treatments are OVER!!!!! So I’m sick and exhausted right now and can’t keep my eye lids open without toothpicks, so I will make this quick because I know you all would appreciate an update…stay tuned for the longer version in a couple days :)
Thought this squirrel was cute...it's kinda how I feel these days!

Eight treatments later and this is kicking my butt. I am so tired and nauseated from the treatment today. My blood count looked better than last week so I was able to have treatment though! PTL!!! And the nurse let me know what was in store for the next few weeks. I get a PET and CT scan in a week and a half and meet with my oncologist to go over those results a few days later. We then set up my consult appointment with the radiation oncologist (if needed of course ;) Then, I get all ready for radiation the next week after that appointment and start the radiation process every day for any where from 15 to 30 days. Then after all that…I SHOULD BE DONE!!! I can see the finish line to this Pursuit people! If you aren't smiling like me right now, you should be! :D I am so close! I have literally been sleeping all day, Andrew did a good job taking care of me. But, I really have to go because I’m not feeling good and because my 'chemo brain' has me wondering if I even got THIS information correct to give you:) Look for a better update in a couple days AND the Chemo is Done present!!

On a side note, I just have to say 'Shucks'…I wasn’t able to go to the Relay for Life kick off meeting today, but my mom and dad stopped to get me the information. I hate when chemo gets in the way of stuff…but such is Life. We must be flexible and go with the flow without getting discouraged. Thanks everyone for the congratulations! But it's not over yet...I still have some more of this race to run! I'm emotional and for the first time...it's awesome!!

Just a Pursuit Update...

Hey there, I wanted to give you all an update on everything. Nothing specific, just everything. As you know I am on a Pursuit and at the beginning I didn’t know what I was pursuing, but it is getting clearer everyday. It’s something that I have been referring to as Life. But I’m still going through this process and don’t want to get into that Life discussion yet…but it is coming:) Here are some other updates though that you might be wondering about…
Cridersville is getting back to normal after the tornado. The town has calmed down and everyone is building back the pieces that were left behind from the storm. It was a relief to know that there really is calm after the storm. Some storms (or life situations) may only last a couple minutes, others can last several years. It just gives me peace in my heart to know that my calm is coming soon. May not have been as soon as I would have liked it to be, but it is coming.
Cooper is amazing. He is totally potty trained by ringing the bell on the door (yes, Andrew won that bet because I thought it would never happen) and he just learned how to shake! Cooper keeps me warm on these cold days, he can cuddle up just right. He still hasn’t learned how to hide if he wants to chew on something, he brings it right to me or just does it in front of me. Kinda makes me wish I did that with all the stuff I’m not ‘suppose’ to do in Life. Just bring it to Andrew before I do it to stop me from getting in trouble. I’m not a drug addict or criminal, I’m talking about anything here…I’m not perfect :)
Dena is holding down the fort in my classroom. I told her I feel like I forget how to teach, but I think that also has to do with my ‘chemo brain’ right now. I may just have to ease back into this if we really want to be realistic. I’m really grateful for her and how she has truly taken things over so I can rest. I don’t think you realize how stressful and time consuming teaching can be. She has really allowed me to be able to relax and recover without my health being compromised because of the work put into working.
I’m proud to say that my friends who were sick there for awhile are being healed as we speak. We were in scary water there for a couple days, but they are doing well and getting back to Life. Me on the other hand, I’m just waiting it seems. Waiting to go get treatment, waiting to hear about radiation, waiting to get my CT scan and results, waiting for my lungs to feels better, waiting to get the clear to go back to work, waiting for my hair to grow back, waiting to get my Life on schedule again. I’m waiting, and if you don’t know me, I’m not the most patient of people. I get very antsy, very quickly. I’m sure you have seen that on some of the blogs :)
Hey, I’m living too! I have done things that challenge me that I wouldn’t have done in the past, like buying a dog, taking risks, and opening myself up for new opportunities (my first Relay for Life meeting is this Thursday…start getting your legs warmed up! :) Sometimes my plans work out and sometimes God intervenes and says just wait though. Like the hot air balloon ride I wanted to take this fall to see the beautiful fall colors we had this year. It got cancelled three times for chemo and bad weather. So this summer it will be something fun and relaxing to look forward too. And my vacation trip to celebrate being done with this…we aren’t doing that either. We did something better!! But I will show you after chemo is done on Thursday. I got a great Chemo is Done gift from my husband :) And I want to share it with you too for helping me get through chemo!
On another note, God is looking out for us not only in my health life, but Andrew’s Army life too. We dodged the bullet again. Just two weeks after Andrew was done serving in the Army this past summer, his unit got orders to deploy next year. We literally missed it by two weeks. I can not count my blessings enough to know that he has fulfilled his duty to the Army and does not have to deploy with them for a year. I could cry I am so happy he gets to stay (hopefully, keep your fingers crossed!!) God is totally watching over us right now, truly not giving us more than we can handle at the moment. Trust me, the first year of marriage is hard enough as it is getting to know each other and your personalities, but the first year of marriage with cancer has really tested our strength as a couple. I’m learning about forgiveness, patience, and communication hardcore! We have our ups and downs, but every couple does. And if they don’t, they are lying to you :) Thank you Andrew, for loving me when I know it can be so hard to sometimes. And for never, ever doubting our love for each other.
I’m also learning how to Let Go and Let God. Before this diagnosis, I had things so under control that things usually went my way. I’m learning that not everything goes my way, and that my way is not always the right way. I was getting to a point in my life where this was driving a wedge between me and a lot of people and things I care about. Sometimes you need a wake up call in life. Maybe my wake up call was cancer. But whether it be something that was out of your control or just a bad decision you made, it can be one of the best things to happen because it can change your life for the better…but you have to let it. I held this guilt of control for a longtime through this Pursuit and to be honest, I’m still working through it. But just remember, there is nothing that God can’t forgive. It says ‘that as far as the east is from the west, so far He has moved our sin from us’ (Psalm 103:12). All we have to do is acknowledge that it is there and do our very best to change. Sometimes I forget how freeing it feels to just give it to God and give Him the driver’s seat again. Please know I pray for you all as a group and thank you so much for your support. There's the Pursuit update...free of charge in this world that demands ever penny we make! HAHA :) Thanks again everyone!

“Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide them. I said to myself, ‘I will confess my rebellion to the LORD.’ And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone” (Psalm 32:5).

**Just as a side note, I'm think about the King family today...you are missed by many Dan and I hope we are all reminded of just how precious life can be and how easily it can be taken away. Let us all remember how you made us laugh and would want us to live Life to the fullest!**