More than just a Question in a Journal...

Yesterday I was at the hospital and all went well. Just a long day. But knowing that I had my hospital sisters there with me made me happy. I didn’t feel so alone as I got the scans. Not only was my real sister Sarah there to help me laugh before I went in to do the PET and CT scan (like when asked to fill out paper work and it asked to write down the reason why we were there... I put 'The 'c' word :) We are trouble together!) But I had my other two friends (yesterday I called us ‘hospital sisters’ because we were all in different hospitals at the same time for a day) were in Columbus and Wisconsin finding out their health fate too. So I didn't feel so scared or alone. I’m glad we all have each other to help get through these tough times when we are all still so young to be dealing with all this.

So no news yet. I will not know anything about the status of my tumors until I see the doctor next Wednesday, right before Thanksgiving. That’s a lot of waiting for my results! Like I said, yesterday was a long day in itself and during the time in-between my tests, I looked into my over-filled purse full of junk and found my journal that I started before I found this blog. I started reading, as well as reliving, some of the feelings I had when this Pursuit first started. Here’s an excerpt from my journal…

Thursday 6/17/10 - ‘I heard the words. I couldn’t comprehend them. I knew I had heard the words Hodgkin’s Lymphoma before, but was it true. Do I have cancer? I had to ask the doctor again over the phone as AJ pulled into the nearest parking lot. ‘Is this...cancer?’ When he told me yes, I started to shake, and cry. The questions I paid no attention to in the past were now in my head…’Did I do something to deserve this? How much time do I have? Will I need chemotherapy? Will I die?’
I realized, as I sat there in the hospital where it all began, that some of those questions have been answered. Did I do something to deserve this? No, no one deserves cancer and you don’t get it because you’ve been bad. It just happens, to both good and bad people. How much time will I have? Well, so far I have had 4 months, 29 days, 6 hours, and 14 minutes (roughly ;). I’m blessed to have that! Will I need chemotherapy? Yes, but it’s ok because it’s going to make me healthy again. And Will I die? Yes, one day I will die. That was a dumb question though, because I know I’m going to die. That’s one thing in this life I CAN count on. The better question I should have asked was Am I prepared for the day I die? So, I ask myself that question now...Laura, are you prepared to die?

My answer is yes. Yes, because even if cancer wins, my last breath will be on earth and my next breath will be in heaven; and be rest assured that I will see my loved ones again, and I as well as them will be more beautiful and complete than ever. Isn’t it wonderful to believe in the God who created the heavens and earth, that even after we mess up so many times, He still accepts us in heaven? All we have to do is accept Him as God and ask for the forgiveness we are so undeserving of. But that’s just how much He loves us, that He would forgive a sinner like me (John 3:16)

Dear God,
Thank you for loving me so much that You would send your own son, Jesus Christ, to die for us. So that we can be with You and our family who believes in You again in heaven. We don’t deserve this, but thank you. Because it gives me a reason to not be scared of cancer or anything else on this earth. Knowing I will be with You in the end where there is no sadness leaves me not in tears of fear, but in tears of gratitude. So I am not afraid to die because I have You there waiting for me. My source of strength and my constant comforter when I'm scared out of my mind. Forgive me please of my sins and thank you for washing them away each and every time I confess them. Thank you or giving me a new chance each time I mess up too. That’s why you are so awesome. Please help me to have a better relationship with you everyday. Because that’s all you really ask of us.
Love you,
Me Laura

This Pursuit has become so much more to me and is becoming clearer to me everyday. It's not just about cancer anymore as you can see, it's about Life and how cancer woke me up to Life. I’m starting to gathering my thoughts for the day when I make my last blog entry. The day when I have won my battle with cancer. It should be a doosy :) OH!!!! AND......I have some AMAZING pictures to show you soon...I am getting really excited about this!!!!