Taking time to Laugh on Halloween!

'Come give Pappy a hug!'

Not much to update on today...just waiting for treatment this upcoming week and trying my best to 'rest' as much as I can. It's hard. I'll just say that. So my sister usually has a halloween party, but this year Life got in the way so they all just headed out this year. I stayed inside my germ-free house and I was more than ok with that! :) However, they all stopped out to see me at my house before they went out and it was so nice of them! But, they were greeted not by me, but by the old grandpa that said 'Come give Pappy a hug!!' :D I am so glad I was able to have some fun this year and laugh a lot! I really need laughing right now. It helps my spirits so much, so if you have the opportunity to laugh make sure you do and do it often! And making fun of yourself and laughing at the same time...that's the best, it's good therapy. I got many good laughs out of my costume this year. I was also able to wear it to 'help' my parents pass out candy...I got some weird looks from those kids! It was fun! Thanks you guys for being good spirited and laughing with me through all this. Love ya no matter what ;)

Today is Andrew's birthday so HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDREW! We celebrated with a cake and dinner at Red Lobster...we go big here let me tell you ;) Hope you all had as much fun dressing up as I did! Next year, I am having a Family Fun Halloween Party with lots of fun and EVERYONE has to dress up...you too mom and dad! Oh this will be good....our family times are the best and we laugh like no other family can!! So mark it on your calendars family...be prepared to come, no excuses...you know a year in advance! :)

Coach to Laura – Time Out in the Game!

Dear Laura,

Okay, in football analogy let me say that you thought the game was going in your favor and so did we field coaches. But alas, the coaches from the press box (aka – cancer coaches from yesterday) saw things we could not see and instructed us to call a timeout and get refocused.
They saw things (low white/red blood cell counts and high liver enzyme counts) along with your chest discomfort and immediately instructed us to stop the game temporarily (until next Thursday). They instructed us to insert a new wrinkle into our game plan (3 shots over 3 days to get cell counts back up). After the time out is over they told us they would assess how things are going later (next Thursday) and they will decide then on how to finish the game with what plays.

Isn’t it amazing how sometimes God reminds us He is still in control and knows what is best for us. The three words on my wedding ring mom had engraved are the beginnings of my morning prayer – Faith, Hope, and Love.
My prayer begins by asking Him to help me grow today in those three areas by saying: Love – May we learn to Love others as thou hath loved us; Hope – The Hope for world peace and people’s inner peace; and Faith - To trust in thee with all our hearts and lean not unto our own understanding and in all ways acknowledge you knowing you will direct our paths. It is this Faith area I struggle with the most but also the area I have probably grown in the most.

It is the dad in me that says my choice for your “Pursuit” would have been a sprint to the finish line of being healed/being cured and not the marathon that it takes. But that was not my call. Okay, so the literature says it is a marathon, but still I did not want you to physically, mentally and emotionally suffer. But that was not my call. Remember, my ultimate prayer had always been that it would be me who would get “something” and never mom or you children. But that was not my call. My hope for any couple in their first year of marriage would not have been to go through what Andrew and you have gone through. But that was not my call. These have not been any of our calls to make.

It keeps coming back to the trust we must maintain when we cannot explain things. But too, it is the trust that we must maintain when we can explain things. I wish it were 100% of the time that I understand why things are as they are but that is not to be. Enter again the Faith that is central to our Christianity and our daily living with God directing our paths.
When I was in that special unit overseas someone before me had painted a picture in our barracks and it hung on the wall of our communication center. It was a nasty looking military man and under the picture the guy had taken the 23rd Psalm and made a different interpretation almost line-for-line. The one line I want to mention is where he said, Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for I am the meanest son-of-a-bitch in the valley. That, and his entire analogy, was to say our unit was self-sufficient because we could handle/do anything because we were a 30 man special group. That was supposed to bring us peace of mind on a daily basis as we went about our business. Many times we would joke about that picture and his inscriptions underneath. Too many people believe they are self-sufficient and are in complete control of their lives and they have not learned how to let go and let God.

Years later Psalms 23 came to mean something more about letting go and letting God in my life. The exact verse about how “He prepares a feast for me in the presence of my enemies” was totally awesome and it just jumped out at me. The clearest part of the verse that spoke to me was that if my God would take the time to prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies He would surely make me safe to enjoy it. He did not narrowly define who my enemies were so it did not matter – He would take care of things and if he would take care of that He would take care of all things if I let go. Wow, that picture painted a thousand words for me and almost makes me too confident and daring when I think about it even today. That is the kind of Shepherd or Leader I want in my daily life!

Make no mistake about it Laura, your blogs have shown us how to Keep the Faith as you interpret what has been going on since June 17th and subsequently with The Pursuit. We know who your Shepherd is and we know you believe he knows what is better for you than you/we do. We take a “peace of mind” in that understanding and we thank you for it. But also make no mistake about it that when you are hurting or disappointed we share that also!
So realize, this is a marathon you are involved in and your Faith will sustain you through it. Our bracelets say “Never Give In” for many reasons and in the analogy of a marathon remember to:

• Keep the mental and psychological pace – God will take care of the physical pace so fight through the physical battles inherit in the race knowing that,
• Keep a sharp image of all this being worth it when you cross the finish line and are healed/cured,
• Know that there are people who may finish ahead of you in the race but just maybe somehow you finished right where you were supposed to because your Good Shepherd knew you better than you knew yourself.

Sorry for this prolonged “Time Out” but it is now time to get back into the game and continue The Pursuit. As they do during timeouts, they listen to the words from their coach like you just did, they take a swallow of an energy drink and wipe their brows of their sweat. Your Faith is your energy that will sustain you and God will continuously wipe away the sweat and tears as you proceed through The Pursuit.

Thanks “Me Lorla” and catch you later with a victory speech as originally planned.
Love,
Dad

Some of Gods greatest gifts...are Unanswered Prayers

Hey guys. I’m writing today feeling extremely tired with achy bones, but thankful I'm not nauseated like yesterday. I got to see my cancer nurses today when I went in for my second shot. They make me laugh and it’s awesome. They really are a God-send to the cancer world over there on Market Street. I like to surround myself with people who make me laugh…life is way more positive when you do that! I loved my friend Ash’s comment one time on FB, she said ‘I’m making some changes in my life, and if you don’t hear from me, you are one of those changes.’ I loved it! That’s why she’s a part of my life cause she makes me laugh. Anyway, shot number two is better than shot number one, I slept for 5 hours this afternoon. I’m starting to realize that your body really does need time to repair itself, even if you are healthy, and it’s vital to get enough sleep so that the repairs can take place. So guys, try to get sleep at night, you will get sick if you don’t treat your body right. And maybe I did too much last week. I realize now that just because I feel good doesn’t mean I am good. I need to step out of my box and look at the total picture instead of just the day to day one. So Andrew stepped up again and drilled me on getting enough rest, drinking even more water, and taking my pills no matter how I feel. Here he is putting my pills back in my pill container like I’m an old woman (he can be so good, he got my medication from CVS today and cooked dinner without me even asking…he can be so great!)

Having cancer can be a total life change. But for me, I really wanted to spell my cancer with a lower case c. Because having it spelled with an upper case seems like I’m giving it more power than it deserves. I want power over this, but if I don’t listen to the doctors, I won’t be healed the way I need to be. My friend Alaina (who has been through the health ringer this last month) and I came to that realization when we tried to bounce back more quickly than our bodies planned. We both want fuller lives than what we are living right now, but it is going to take more rest and repair to do so. Not just physically, but mentally. I’m so glad I prepared myself through prayer to hear any news the day I went in thinking it was my last chemo treatment. I'm not sure what my reaction would have been if I wasn't prepared to hear anything the doctor said. Truthfully, I was mad at first because I thought God did not answer my prayer. But in all honesty, He did. I did have understanding, but what about healing? God already knows the wants and needs of our hearts. Even though I prayed for healing, God knew what I truly needed yesterday. I believe he answered the prayer of my heart, not my words. Because he knew that my true desire is to truly know Him more, not be healed. He is going to give us just enough to keep a close relationship to him. My 'just enough' was delayed treatment so that I would go to Him looking for the ‘Why?’ answers. I would spend more time searching for answers and consequently go back to Him, therefor having an even deeper and meaningful relationship with God. He knew that I would learn more and lean more on Him throughout this next week then maybe any week in the past throughout this Pursuit. He’s got it together you guys and He knows what He’s doing. I have to be mindful of that and remember to Never Give In. So I will keep fighting the fight, not just the cancer fight, but the fight for true meaning in this life. Tonight I thank God for unanswered prayers. Like Garth Brooks says, 'just because He doesn't answer, doesn't mean He's not there. Cause some of God's greatest gifts, are unanswered prayers.' I didn't get what I verbally asked for from God, I got more :)

I Jinxed Myself!

My original Last Chemo Cookies became ' Let's celebrate the thought of last chemo next week' cookies :)

I was so worried about my future plans last night that I forgot to worry about the present plans! I sure am glad I prayed yesterday for understanding of what the doctors would tell me today of what the plan is. Because today at my oncology appointment, nothing went the way I thought or planned it would go! I thought today that I would have chemo, well, I jinxed myself. I took cookies in to the Cancer Center today to celebrate my last day of chemo and then they dropped the bomb on me. They did my blood work and the results came back to show that both my red and white blood cell counts are too low to have treatment. My body needs more time to recover from the last treatment in order to handle the chemo drugs this treatment. Then they also told me that my liver enzymes were too high and the tightness in the chest was just icing on the cake to say ‘Let’s play it safe and wait ‘til next week.’ In the mean time, I have to go in tomorrow and on Saturday to get a Neupogen shot. It is kinda like the Neulasta shot but a lower dosage. It will help me bounce back faster and get my white blood cells levels back to normal again in order to have chemo next Thursday. I got one shot already today and it made me get sick. Go figure, I’m that messed up that I get sick when I DON’T have chemo.:) I felt better as the day went on though, just very, very tired. Right now I can hardly think straight, but I wanted to let you know what was going on. So as it is nice to have a plan for the future, most of the time it doesn’t end up working out the way you planned anyways. So I'm learning as it says in Matthew to worry about the present, not the future. Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. True that.

My last day of chemo happy face...and then my...

'What the heck just happened, now what?' face

Dear God,

Dear God,

Hey there. It’s me, but You already know that. So it's finally here, almost five months later, it's here! I am just going to be honest because You would know if I was lying. I’m not scared about tomorrow because I know what’s coming with the chemo treatment. My LAST chemo treatment. That just makes me happy to say that. But the one thing I am uneasy about is all the unanswered questions I have. I’m nervous to hear the answers because You know how I am a planner and I’m afraid that what the doc tells me will not be in my plans. But I know that it’s not my plans anyway. They are Your plans for me. But God, I don’t want radiation and I do want to go back to work next Friday. Please help me to be open and understanding to what the doctor has to say. Help me to understand the reasoning behind his decisions for me and the next few weeks of this Pursuit. I know I can come to You and ask anything in your name, so please heal my lungs back to their full capacity. They hurt when I breath deeply God and I know that’s not normal. Lord, I'm not scared anymore. I'm almost healed from cancer and I deeply thank You for that. I wanted more in my life, but I didn't want to be selfish and ask for more time. Thank You for giving me more time to do Your work and not taking me home to be with You yet. I pray that I never take the extra time You gave me for granted. We are all on borrowed time God. Let me not waste it on harsh words and meaningless activities. Let me be a blessing in Your name as a gift back to You. Lord I pray that I keep my focus throughout the rest of my treatment plan no matter what it is. Because as it says in Proverbs, a man’s spirit can sustain his broken body, but when spirit dies, what hope is left? Please sustain the spirit I have had throughout this whole process. I know that is the only way I have survived this so far. Don't let me get down now. May we remember that You are the God of hope who can fill us with all joy and peace because we trust in You. Thank You for being the Ultimate Healer in my life and being my bridge to total happiness and health in Heaven. I’m so ready for the day when there are no more tears to fall down this face...but not just yet, let me have a baby or two first. Thank you for Your sacrifice and for forgiving me of my shortcomings time and time again.

Amen.

Oh yeah, there are a lot of prayers out there for me. God, I pray with faithfulness and thanksgiving that you will reveal Yourself and bless each and everyone of these people who have prayed for me one way or another. Thanks God.

In the words of Rafiki: 'The weather - Pbbbah! Very peculiar. Don't you think?

From The Lion King

Rafiki: The weather - Pbbbah! Very peculiar. Don't you think?
Simba: Yeah. Looks like the winds are changing.
Rafiki: Ahhh. Change is good.

My, did we have quite the afternoon today or what?! Tornado in October?! I went home early from my grandparent's house because of the bad storm we heard was coming and I’m glad I did! I got a call from my dad in the afternoon telling me to get to the basement because there was a tornado warning. Just then, I heard the sirens. I was like…'ok think. What do I do??' It was kind of like when I heard my smoke alarm go off in the middle of the night and I was like ‘Oh crap! What do I tell the preschoolers to do when this happens?!?’ All I could think of was to grab my external hard drive that has my 10,000 pictures on it and get to the basement…oh ya, and grab Cooper and Kota:) Well, I didn't have a battery radio (I know, I'm married to a firefighter and he'd kill me for not knowing where it is) and the power went out so I couldn't watch good ol' Darren the meteorologist on the TV. So I went back upstairs and when I looked out the window, I was like 'Is this it?' It wasn’t dark out and I’ve definitely seen worse winds and rain. But then the next thing I know I have people calling me asking if I’m alright. I was thinking, well ya-just a couple tree limbs down and the power out. Then they told me about Cridersville, the town I live in. A couple blocks down the road, a tornado made its mark. It was that quick. Too close for comfort in my book! It did its usual houses torn apart, trees uprooted, and debris everywhere. Once again, I thought...wow, reality seems unreal.

Sometimes we forget about reality until it seems unreal. I don't have to point out the obvious cancer in my life in this reference. But this storm today too. To be so close to something like that makes you reevaluate life and priorities again. I remember going through something like this when I was on campus during the Bluffton University bus accident that killed some college baseball players and the bus driver and his wife. It’s a bit surreal when you are standing on campus, seeing the TV crews pull in, then watching CNN and MSNBC on TV taping right where you are. You are there, in it, but not. It doesn’t seem real because it's not the norm, but it is real. And you may not be effected directly, but you are. It turned real for me when I had to call Andrew because he was at the Army drill and tell him his hall mate was killed. It turns real when you drive your car down the road and see your town dismantled by nature. But sometimes those unrealistic moments become real and change your life. We can use these moments for change...a good change in our lives. The Bluffton bus accident made me call Andrew when we were ‘on a break’ and tell him the sad news. In that moment, I was scared and the only person I wanted to be with was Andrew and I couldn't. From that point on, I knew I didn’t want to be without him... and we have been together ever since. :) Today, I saw a community come together to help out the people who needed shelter tonight. It gave the opportunity for people to talk to the strangers they just passed by before. Cridersville will be okay, sometimes bad things happen to open new doors. It will be interesting to see the out come from today's events. I learned that I don’t like being without power! Especially on Tuesdays…that’s my night for shows! It’s ok, my brother saved me from my powerless house after the storm and I stayed at my parents with Cooper. I didn’t miss my Glee or the Time Warp dance from Rocky Horror Picture Show…phew! I mean, let's talk about priorities ;) JK! My prayers are with Cridersville and that God's peace and guidance will be with our little town this week. I'm so thankful that I am sleeping in my bed in my room and not my bed up in a tree. I'm so lucky!

Here are a few pictures I took today to show you that there is always calm after the storm…always. Check out my FB to see a video footage of the aftermath from down the street or pictures at Local News Photo : LimaOhio.com

I have never been stuck in traffic in Cridersville before...until today.

On a better note...I relived my childhood yesterday. I’m not sure I will have the opportunity again, since I am 26 and all, but yesterday I stayed the night at my grandma and grandpa’s house. Just like the old days :) Grandma made her famous chicken noodles and mashed potatoes with corn and rolls and yes…a special desert just for me. PEANUT BUTTER PIE! YUMMMM! I did all the rituals, took a bubble bath (even used the old powder grandma had!), smelled all her perfumes, and had a root beer float. We even created some new ones, like staying up until 2:45 talking and changing our profile pics on facebook. We did leave some old traditions behind, I didn’t make the upstairs a haunted house and I didn’t put on ALL of grandma’s jewelry and have a pretend sale. We didn’t play BINGO or OLD MAID for candy either…those traditions are for when you spend the night with cousins at grandma's. Either way, it was just good to spend time with people who have a grip on reality and can give you advice for the future. I love talking with older people who can really set us straight. They have been there, done that and actually have good advice because they honestly have your best interest at heart. I love grandparents and I’m so glad I still have Gma Pat and Gpa Paul to love me :)

A Hike to Success!

Hello from what feels like a Wheaties champion!

So this week is a big week coming up for me. I’m going to do my best to keep it together and not bawl like a baby. :) In just four more days I will have my last chemo treatment. And hopefully my very last for the rest of my life! I simply can not believe how fast the past four and half months have gone by…but I will talk about that later.
Right now, I want to talk about how I went on a hike at Hocking Hills! (ok-I need to make a side note...when I say 'hike' that's my inner heart speaking, it's more like 'walk'-reality speaking) Yes, I said I was going to do it and I did (with a trial 'hike' first to see if I could really do it :). For some reason I really wanted to see if I could complete a hike while having cancer/treatment and I can cross that off my list of yes I can. Andrew, me, and his brother and sister in law all went to Hocking Hills and I completed a trail! Now, I may have been slow and at times annoying/complaining, but I did it! LOTS of kudos to Beth for having us start at the end of the trail first…we did a lot more downhill walking it seamed than uphill. When I was little, my favorite Bible verse was Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I think I liked it best because it was short :) However, those words came into play as I seemed to have said them over and over throughout that walk! See, I’m almost in tears again. You just have no idea how proud of myself I am. I had the courage to do this when cancer said no, don’t. I fought through pain to feel mentally successful and it’s just what I needed going into this last treatment…into life and work again. To feel like I am a successful person and that I can start something difficult and finish it. I can start chemotherapy and finish it successfully. I wanted to do this hike to prove to myself I CAN. Don’t get me wrong, I questioned it all the way until I saw the exit. Like Thomas Edison said "Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." But I didn’t give up. I didn’t give up. My momma taught me better than that!

Now because of this hike, I was like a zombie afterwards…in and out of sleep for a few hours and then I slept for thirteen hours straight! I think my body was just a tad bit tired and in recovery mode. But I didn’t care at the time. It felt so good to work my muscles and lungs again and work on the physical part of this Pursuit. I felt so blessed and so happy to be OVER my cold and that my lungs hung in there. I’m curious to see what the doctors say about them after treatment is all said and done. I had shortness of breath on my walk, but I was able to go at my pace so I kept it in check. But by the end, I was ready to just sit and watch the OSU game :) I really wonder if I will have full lung capacity like I had before all of this. Chemotherapy (mainly the Bleomycin drug) and radiation can cause fibrosis (scarring of the lungs) and a CT scan will check for scarring tissue. There really isn’t anything you can do for it besides a lung transplant if it is REALLY bad (I’m nowhere near that bad), I’m just curious to see if the CT scan shows anything. We’ll see! So in ending this, I just have three words… NEVER GIVE IN!

Hocking Hills Hike 2010

A glimpse of Heaven

Success!

The men in my life

Andrew and Tim Sometimes you just have to draw the line and say No. :) Cooper wouldn't budge.

One very tired couple.