Do you ever just have one of those days? Where nothing is earth shakingly wrong, but nothing seems absolutely right either? You don't want to be alone, but you don't want company either? You just aren't content and you don't know why. So you get in your car and drive? Usually when I would get this way as an emotional, dramatic teenager, I would go see my grandma Mary in the nursing home. She could always set me straight more than anyone else could with her witty personality and tell it straight conversations. But grandma passed away a few years ago, and my sis who reminds me of her was eating supper out (a supper that she invited me to, but I declined because I couldn’t get out of my funk mood and wasn't about to depress others) so I did the next best thing…I went shopping. :) I swear, remember that good cry I said I needed? Well, tonight was the night. I cried in my car as I listened to songs and just needed one of those good thought-provoking cries. I just kept thinking 'why?'. Why to so many questions right now going through my head about not just cancer, but about my future, my family and friends and their situations and so on. Just why are some things happening that I can’t make sense of. Even asking 'Why am I in this funky mood?'
So as my night went on...I found some comforts, not only by my letters I got from my nieces and nephews (it’s a Christmas present that last all year, we write to each other…you’d be surprised how happy you get when you get the good mail!), or my visit to the fire station to see the only person who can instantly cheer me up (I’m talking about AJ here, not the other B shifters who can make me laugh too), or my Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch that I am munching on as I type this out (as Cooper desperately waits for a piece to fall out of my hand to the floor), I was also comforted by remembering why God doesn’t always answer my 'why' questions. Pastor Dan told us over the weekend that if God answered all of our 'Why or Why Me?' questions, we would stop going to Him for the answers. And if we stop going to Him looking for answers or directions to Life, our temptation becomes depending on ourselves to answer the questions...consequently getting further away from God and becoming our own God (and I don’t know about you, but God has some pretty big shoes to fill, so I'm perfectly fine letting Him be God who is All Knowing :). He is always wanting us to grow closer to Him so we can have happiness, so He may not always answer our 'Why?' questions right away. Trust me, I'm still asking and honestly, that question not being answered has actually drawn me closer to God over these past few months. It's been a good thing. So I may not know the answers to my questions, hey there may not even be an answer or there may be multiple answers. All I know is that I took the steps needed to end my night on a good note, not a bad one and that’s what really matters. Getting out of our funk mood in whatever healthy way possible...mine was a good cry, a trip to the mall, and remembering why I go to church...to hear the good sermons that get you through Life and out of funky moods. :) So tonight, I’ll take my box of Cap’t Crunch and head to watch yet another episode of the old Beverly Hills, 90210 and laugh while I reminisce on my past in the 90’s. And I thought being a teenager my life could not get any worse than the boy who didn’t call me or my pager getting taken away! Oh to be young and naive again :) Never did I think this is where I would be at 26.
No comments:
Post a Comment