Monday, January 31, 2011

My New Normal

The newest picture of me post-treatment...I can't believe how much better I look with hair, eyebrows, and color back in my face! This pic is for you Olivia! :)

Another attempt at a family picture...as you can see, Cooper and Kota were not thrilled about being so close to each other! Their friendship is like two sixth grade girls..friends one day, enemies the next!


I thought I would write and tell you about something called the New Normal. I read this in a 'Life after Treatment' pamphlet that the radiation nurses gave me after treatment, and I actually related with the thing (after rolling my eyes at yet another self help pamphlet given to me- this one got read out of boredom waiting on the doc). Its basically a run down of how 'normal' may feel different after having all the cancer treatments than what your 'normal' before treatment was. It’s just what it says, its my New Normal. Basically, the biggest difference I can tell from before I had cancer and now, is that my lung capacity just isn’t what it used to be. I can’t take as deep as breath as I could before, and that’s probably due to the scarring on the lungs from chemo. Also, the lymph nodes in my chest that had the cancer in them are scarred too, so I may not ever feel 'just right', but I’m ok with that because it’s not that bad…way better than when there was a 9cm monster tumor in there! Other than the breathing, my energy level is almost where it was. I’m not nearly as tired as I was when I had radiation and chemo, but that doesn't mean I jump out of bed in the morning either! All of the chemo and radiation side effects are gone and my New Normal includes not putting off going to the doctor anymore. I've gone to the chiropractor for my bulged disc (yeah, for some reason they didn't care as much about the bulged disc as they did about the cancer when they found both in June, so I've been living with back pain these last 8 months ;) and I am headed back the OB/GYN to figure out why my body doesn't do what it's supposed to do! :)

But something else that has become a New Normal is my newest thoughts as I wake up each morning. My first thought, of course, is how I wish I had my coffee maker right beside my bed so that I can wake up easier, but honestly, my next thought is, ‘Do I still have cancer?’. I'll know for sure in a few weeks. But I imagine when I hear that I am cancer free…my next morning thoughts will include ‘has my cancer returned?’. My dad’s friend put it just right after I told him that I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t think about cancer, but now, instead of it being right in front of my face, it’s to the side, out of view...but still there.
Now I know we couldn’t let the fear of future cancers hold us back from treating the current cancer. Yet I am still a human with human thoughts. And that one day when it’s all gone, it could still come back. What if 10 years down the road I am still waking up everyday wondering if ‘it’ has returned...and this time with a vengeance. I could let this question literally eat me alive, however, I’m not going to let those thoughts dictate how I live my life. I’m not going to be scared of the world because I wake up with the fear everyday that my cancer has returned. Reality is, I will wake up everyday wondering if it has returned. There is just no way to turn that off. So what I need to do is build up my defense. Instead of fearing the reality of this world, I will face it like my dad’s picture in the military barracks of its interpretation of a Psalm ‘Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil because I am the meanest son of a bitch there is.’ Somehow, as crude as this saying is...I smile when I say it and it gives me power :) But even more power than that is these words from the same book of Psalms...Psalm 27:3 Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. And the reason I will be confident every morning I wake up and am faced with the fear of having cancer again, is because I will remember that the LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold, of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1 Such strong and powerful words...powerful enough to beat the soldiers that cancer sends my way to make me fearful. So I say, Bring 'em on...cause I got a warrior inside me so strong that I will NOT be afraid of a disease called cancer or anything else in this world. Amen!

3 comments:

  1. Hey, Laura, great pic!!!! You guys look wonderful, all 4 of you! Beautiful.
    Love the quote from your dad's barracks...reminds me of Jesus throwing over the tables of the money changers in the temple. Some situations require us to dig deeper, dig below the love and positive attitude...and "saddle up" and ride into the eye of the storm announcing that we ARE gonna win! You are a winner and, may I say, you have balanced the positive attitude with the "saddle up" as you've made your Pursuit. May your wake ups bring you daisies (my fav flower, substitute with your fav flower) and the calm breezes of a warm beach to take the place of questions. And, on the days when you're tired or just in a funk and the questions seem to linger....I wish a big soft saddle to make your ride easier. Much love...

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  2. Ephesians 6:16
    In addition, Take up the shield of faith (believing you are healed) with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming missiles of the evil one (the Devil wants you to believe God is not able and he will throw those doubting darts at you).
    Laura, I know you will arm yourself with the powerful promises of God for the upcoming "new normal" life you will LIVE.
    Please keep sharing your pursuit with those of us you have inspired. Just think, we are all going to have difficulties in this life and we all need people who encourage and inspire us. And I believe for me, that can be YOU!
    Love,
    Linda

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  3. Hey Laura! You are looking great! Healthy and full of color! I am so happy for you that you are feeling better. I wanted to let you know that I am praying for you and your family this week for positive results. I can't imagine the stress/anxiety you will be experiencing this week-but God will be by your side to help carry you through this just like HE has been during your entire pursuit. Will be praying for you! Hugs, Natalie

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