The Truth behind the Mask

This was my Grandpa Paul's idea for a Pluggers!!! He sent it in to them in October and yesterday it got published!! Good Job Grandpa!!

I’ve been wearing this mask lately I feel. Although I go to radiation every morning, I act like it doesn’t really exist in my daily schedule. Like it’s not a part of my day. I go back to work and act like everything is fine in my body. But my dramatic act finally caught up with me. Although I thought I was strong enough to take on this world like a healthy human being again, I had to make the decision to take a break so that I can be stronger in the end. I stayed home the past two days from work because the radiation has finally gotten to me. I am so tired from not sleeping and my throat is so sore that I'm on a soft food/liquid diet. I saw my doctor on Monday and my CBC counts were off. I mean, we are still attacking the cells in my body and the healthy cells are trying to reproduce as quickly as possible, but with me being so tired, I’m not doing justice to my body by working so hard at work and not having enough time to rest at home. Also, I have been feeling the scratchy throat/hotcold chills/cough bug a little bit too, so I have been increasing my vitamin intake to fight off any bug that may be in this body! So far, they have worked and I have not felt any worse. Actually, I have been able to sleep so much over the past two days that I actually feel rested and am able to try work again.
So in all honesty, the past couple days I’ve been kinda sad. Not depressed, just the sad you get when you remember you have cancer. I’ve gone so long without these emotions because I’ve felt better, my hair is growing back, I've almost felt 'normal', and I've worn my mask of strength and then all the sudden, the mask comes off and there I am. Feeling broken and sick again. I hate this part of cancer. Now don’t get me wrong, just because I wear my mask doesn't mean I don't think about cancer everyday. But I do think about it more when it takes me down and I have to fight to get back up. It’s hard to believe that there are people out there who go through this emotion everyday, knowing they won't get better. And how I'm wishing to just be done with all this, they are wishing they were me, being able to count down the days until radiation is over.

No one wants to die from cancer. I knew I didn’t when I heard it. I have too much to live for yet. I have to be a mommy before I leave this planet. There is no way I was put here on earth to not be one before I die. Its still hard to believe that I got cancer. Its not exactly what you put in your 10 year plan. But I made it through. Sometimes I try to imagine what it would be like if this cancer took a toll for the worst…when you stop responding to treatment. When you know you really do only have a limited time left. It makes me come back to reality and see how blessed I am to have a second chance. How do you say goodbye to the people who love you? How would you tell your mom she is your best friend and that it's ok because she has two more beautiful daughters to have as a best friend? And how would you tell your dad that you know he’s the only man who would ever go the extra mile for you, like giving you an Indian hankerchief as a little girl who had bad dreams and telling her it will take all her bad dreams away if she just holds on tight to it, so now it’s time to just relax? How do you tell your sisters that I was so glad I had 26 years with them, because the last 6 have been the best ones yet? How do you tell your brother he is possibly the funniest, yet softhearted person I know? How do you tell your friends and coworkers that they made the cancer battle so much better from all of their help and support? And how do you tell your young husband, that he came at just the right time in my life to save me and give me a life worth living? That he was the only one who knew how to love me in just the way I needed to be loved? And that its ok to find love again, although you know I'd be insanely jealous from heaven :) Wow. What we don’t say to the people we love most is what they need to hear the most, huh? I luckily, do not have to have these face to face conversations yet. Because I am on my way to remission. I’m not ready to go yet, so thank you, thank you so much cancer, for not taking my life. I have so much more to do.

I don’t want to ever forget this journey, because it is too remarkable to forget. It made me get things together and start doing the things I only dreamed about. Like buying a boat and getting a dog. Cancer has given me the go-ahead to live out my dreams. We are going skydiving and running a marathon this year. We signed up to run the marathon on Oct. 16, 2011 in Columbus for the Nationwide Better Health Marathon, a Leukemia and Lymphoma team are apart of this marathon. Hey did you know that the winner from survivor, Ethan Zohn with the curly hair had Hodgkin's Lymphoma like me? And that his all started with a rash like mine too? He started living out his dreams and ran a marathon. And if he can do it after cancer, there is no reason I can't. And I’m thinking about going back to school. You'd fall off your chair if I told you what I'm thinking about getting my masters degree in. :) I’m taking risks for the first time and stepping out of my comfort zone. The Lord will bless what he see’s fit in my new steps of life. But more than anything, I want to beat cancer hard core, so that I wasn’t a life spared for no reason. I want my life to have meaning. So far, I think I’m living out my dreams with meaning. I just have to keep my dramatic role as Laura and not try to hide from the truth, and my role is I am Laura and right now, I have cancer…so I need to rest a little more than usual. :)