A feeling that haunts me...

I said I was going to be honest right? Well, I’ve realized that if anything was going to come back negative on my test results, I’m sure they would have called me by now. And if I do go in on Thursday, and I hear that the cancer is still there, and they didn’t call, I’m going to be a little shocked. So right now, I feel like I am healed. I’ve taken my medicine and I am better. But I have something that medication won’t cure. It’s something I call ‘survivors guilt’. It’s going back to the ‘why her and not me?’ question. Why did God chose to spare my life and not someone else’s? Why am I having these feelings of guilt when I should be rejoicing that I’m going to live again? These are the kind of feelings you may have when someone dies in the exact same circumstance that you were in, but for some reason, you lived. I never had guilt about living when I got in my car accident and everyone said 'the angels were with you'. Maybe I was just young and naive. But now, I have this feeling inside that I can’t shake and only hope it goes away with time.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to live...More than anything I want to keep breathing here on earth. I’ll accept that my breaths may be a little bit shorter, but I’ll keep living. Listen, I’ve looked at all the information and tips and realized that there is actually something called survivors guilt. It’s a symptom that is now associated with PTSD (Post traumatic Stress Disorder). And it's ok to have. Now I don’t think I have anything bad enough to need to seek extra help besides writing down my thoughts in this crazy, therapeutic blog…I think I feel this way because I am genuinely a caring person. I don’t want to have what others don’t have because I hate to make people feel bad because of something I did (Um, hello, I didn't play competitive sports in high school because I hated losing, but I also hated how the losing team felt too!) The fact that I got another chance at life after hearing the word cancer in association with my life is a blessing in a world where there aren’t many. I may never get my questioned answered. People will never know why they survived something tragic and someone else didn’t. But here’s one thing I do know…there is a God, and it is not me (from the priest in the movie Rudy). I may not have all the answers, but He does. And He has control over my life…so here I am God, I’m going to try my hardest to let go of the reigns and put my faith in You to have even more control over my life. Especially over my emotions and these feelings of guilt. I will always be an emotional person, I hope that never goes away. But I do hope that you build in me the kind of strength that can keep it together for all of those who can’t. I am a strong woman...of this I'm sure!! But help me, not just for me, but for all of those who will not see another birthday this year because of cancer, and to all of those like me…who will celebrate another birthday, and be more grateful than ever for it. When I hear the word remission this year, I am going to have one hell of a celebration in May on my Birthday…you all are welcome to join :)

So as Thursday approaches, and I hear about my future…please keep me in prayer. I got a lot of emotions running through me…and a lot of meds still too :) But I am strong, and even stronger with prayer. My love to you all!