Speechless.

I have no insight to give. I have nothing profound to say because for the first time since this Pursuit has happened…I’m speechless.

I have literally been in a fog the last three days. I sit in the bathtub for hours, not thinking about a thing. If it wasn’t for Andrew making me go to our bowling league, I wouldn’t have (although I bowled 3 games over 100!!!) or for the guilt of telling my parents ‘no’ for no good reason when they asked us to go out for dinner, I would have stayed in my bathrobe all night and been fine with it. I have dishes in the sink and clothes laying on top of the dryer and all over my room, and have no ambition to clean them up. I feel like a zombie at work sometimes, how I got through Parent Teacher Conferences today without them thinking I’m crazy will be by the grace of God. After work, all I want to do is come home, and turn everything off. I feel like drinking a bottle of wine is not out of the question…so at this point, I asked Andrew if these were the signs of depression. He looked at me and smiled his ‘you are just crazy, this is nothing new to me’ smile. :) He can set me straight sometimes. But this time it’s different. I need my girls this time around. And it wasn’t until I was sitting in the bathtub last night, and the water was cold and was almost gone because of our leaky drain, that I realized this. So I called up Kayla and told her I need a shopping trip. And through her and my phone conversation with Alaina who knows all too well what this is like, I vented and feel like I'm walking forward again.

This nonproductive, walk around like a zombie mood started when I found out that I have to wait another week until I hear about my lab results about my cancer. They don't understand, waiting another week to find out if you still have cancer is like waiting another year. And it didn’t get any better after I went to my OB/GYN yesterday. Look, if we are being honest, for the first time in my whole life, I am ready to be pregnant. I mean really ready, like I'm sad when 'Aunt Flow' comes to visit. I have never had these strong of maternal feelings before, and now that I'm finally ready... they said No. I was devastated. I’ve got a couple infections yet from my immune system being so out of whack from treatments, so I’m on some meds again to help out there. And if I’m still having some of these side effects in 2 or 3 months, they want to laparoscopically check for Endometriosis. And on top of it all…I’m back on birth control for the next year to help get my body get back to where it needs to be to have kids. So yes, that means no kids for at least another year (just like what the radiation oncologist said)…unless I find some kind of fertility pills on the black market :) JK! For the first time you guys, I want something and I can’t have it. I’ve always gotten everything I want...a husband, a higher education, a job, a house. You may say I’m spoiled, but I call it hard work. So maybe this just means I need to work hard for my children as well. And I'll fight like crazy to get them! No one guaranteed me that the process to children would be easy...and I understand that this week I'm waiting for one huge result and didn't get the news I wanted on this result, is a great explanation to my mood these past few days (and I need to see green grass and sun again!). However, I have a feeling that the NEVER GIVE IN statement is going to have to be around a lot longer than I expected.

And another thing I just don’t understand. Why did another person have to die because of cancer? Why is there not a cure yet? Why was it another wonderful woman who had to die too young? Why her…and not me? These are the questions that have me in the bathtub for hours in a daze...