The Time Has Come...

#5 chemo is D-O-N-E!! Can you say LUCKY?!?! I was like 95 % sure I would not have chemo because of this cold yesterday. However, since it just seems to be a virus and no infection (no fluid in my lungs and no fever) he said 'let's do it...and let's not go back to work'.

Chemo once again left me feeling nauseated and sick yesterday (thank goodness for anti-nausea shots and pills! It would be so much worse!), even more so I think because I was already tired and not feeling 100%. I slept forever and luckily my appetite started coming back later in the night. AJ and I rented a movie, I didn't even watch the first 5 minutes before I was asleep. However...the time has come. I didn't want to do it and I fought every person I know who told me I was crazy for not doing it. But yesterday after chemo, I went to my job and let them know that I would not be coming back until this whole thing is over. I've done enough crying over the last few weeks that I didn't cry there. They were all more than supportive. Dena told me that it was something that I needed to figure out on my own timing, even though everyone knew I shouldn't be there to begin with. She was right, but I was stubborn Laura :) I think if I would have a job where it wasn't so physically, mentally, and emotionally draining, I could persevere and keep on going. But my body is telling me no, and I have to go through the emotions of this...however right now I feel like a failure. I really wanted to work through cancer. I know, I know...but let me get through this emotion and I will come to my senses later :)


I think after my OB/GYN visit on Wednesday, I need now not only a physical break so my body can fight off all the germs better, but more importantly, I need a mental health break! Sometimes I feel on overload with this whole thing and forget about real Life. I'm in this pause mode and I can't move forward or backwards, I can't think, I can't talk, I'm just not me. Planning ahead is awful for me right now and those that know me, I have like my life planned out a year ahead (or at least thought about). This time in my life is not about cancer anymore, it is teaching me a much more valuable life lesson about me always wanting to having control. Unfortunately, we can only control so much of our lives and we all need to realize that. Not everyone is going to like us, not everything will go your way, and definitely we will not get everything we want. I'm going to take this time to work on these things in my life. I'll let you know how it goes! But, I want to say that I am sorry to a few people...

Andrew- Good thing you work 24 hour shifts my friend! ;) We will need this when we have to be around each other all the time now. You stuck with my through all of this, I'm not sure how many guys your age would. You are a trooper for sure with this crazy girl...and I look forward to many more RADICAL times my love. Thank you for reminding me that my body is temple and that I need to take care of it first. 1 Cor. 6:19-20 "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body".
Mom/Dad- you have dealt with me in all my moods. Even to the point where I had to give you your purse and say it's time to leave. Sorry :) Thanks for waiting me out on this one and letting me do it on my own timing.
Dena- sorry for my lack of concentration and leadership abilities at work. You know I hate telling you what to do, that's why I am so happy you read my mind so well. Thank you also for dealing with me during this time and being such a good friend.
To all of you- I'm sorry if I have not answered my phone right away (especially you Sarah J. cause I know how much it frustrates you!) answered my text, or simply thanked you for all the love, gifts, support, and most of all PRAYERS! I truly, truly believe that by having a RELATIONSHIP with God, He hears our prayers and listens carefully. He already has His plan for my life, keep praying for my guidance to listen to Him and follow His plan, not my own...and to all of you who told me to stop working a long time ago.

Today has started out good so far. I do not feel too nauseated yet, my head isn't too congested to the point where it feels like it could explode, and I started out energetic today. I got my Neulasta shot this morning, but it's starting to wear me down already. I have a night ahead of me that I have been looking forward too for awhile, so I am going to rest up now so I can go! Look for pictures of the night later on!!