This is the week where cancer seems more real to me. I can make myself feel like I don't have cancer during my 'good week', but now it's here again. Getting me down and I hate that its not easy right now. It's not easy to forget about and live a life that doesn't revolve around cancer. I hate that I can't be positive like my mom all the time. I hate not feeling balanced in my life. My cure is making me sick before I get better and it just doesn't seem balanced to me. I'm uncomfortable and don't know what to do to make me comfortable. More of my already 'almost gone hair' is coming out and I'm looking like one of those old baby dolls, you know like the ones with one eye, and in the morning I look like Albert Einstein! ;) Andrew cleaned the dreaded basement mess today and did outside work, so I feel helpless. It's scary sometimes when I let it get to me.
I'm frustrated because I'm 26 with cancer. What the heck? Aren't old people suppose to get cancer? I'm mad that I'm still asking myself the 'why me?' question. What purpose does this part of my life serve? What is it that I'm supposed to learn from this all? I know I'm learning a lesson through cancer, but it annoys me that at seven weeks into my Pursuit, I still can't put into words what the true lesson I've learned is. I can't figure it out. The other times in my life when I just can't figure it out, I realize it is because I'm running. I'm running away from the problem instead of finding the answers for it. Today, I just feel like running. I just feel like I don't have the strength to find the answers today. So I'm running away from my strength in all this. I'm running away from God, and trying to do it on my own strength...which is just not good enough. Then it comes back to haunt me, and when I cry back to Jesus in guilt for leaving His side, He holds no grudge. We really serve an amazing God. Like the Reliant K 'I so hate Consequences' song says...'When I got tired from running from You, I stopped right there to catch my breath. There the words they caught my ear, You said 'I miss you son, come home.' And my sins they watched me leave, and in my heart I so believe, the love you have for me was mine. The love I'd wished for all this time....and when the doors were closed, I heard no 'I told you so's', except the words I knew You knew, 'Oh God, Oh God, I needed you. God all this time, I needed you, I needed you'. And I so hate consequences, running from you is what my best defense is. I hate these consequences, cause I know that I let you down, and I don't want to deal with that.' I feel like when I'm running away, when I turn my back to lean on my own strength, I fall. And my consequence at the end is me crying, wondering why I ever left God's side to begin with. But God doesn't care, like in the song. I run, but God always calls me home without any 'I told you so.' I'm so glad I have a relationship with Him so that when I do fall, when I do lose sight of my strength through my illness, He catches me every time with open arms and asks, 'why are you not letting me carry you, I have the strength to do it for you right now, why??' I can't answer that...I don't know why I do it sometimes. I know I'm only human and it's our instinct, and maybe it's because I hate asking for help. So what I really need to do, is what I do when I don't know what else to do...is pray :)
'God, please...just like in the Footprints poem, I'm going through a hard time. I'm sorry for thinking my own strength could carry me through this today. I need You to carry me. Again, I need You to carry me when I am so undeserving to be carried. I let You down more than I ever want to in my life, and hate my consequences at the end of the day, but I praise You for carrying me in the times I need it and forgive me for not coming to you sooner. I pray I can do the same for others. I praise You because You never say No...You always let me come back to you, with open arms. My gratitude will never be enough to You. So please, let my love for You be enough. Let me live up to NEVER GIVING IN! I will never understand why I have had these illnesses in my life, but all I can ask is that through my suffering, You can still somehow be glorified. Use me, show me strength unknown again, just like in the beginning of all this. Thank You for understanding that not everyday will be positive, and for giving me people in my life to set me straight again. And God, thanks for not saying 'I told you so'.'
Friends, my post today is to show you that not every day is perfect in life. You didn't need me to tell you that :) But, not everyday is it easy for me to go to God and remain focused that He is the ultimate healer here. There are those days when we do want to run, feel sorry for ourselves. But, I'm telling you, it's doesn't take cancer or an illness to have you running. We all lose focus sometimes because of money situations, your relationship with family or friends, your job, your health, even your habits in life that only you may know about. This is NOT the first time I have ran away from my source of strength - God. I hate the consequences at the end when I know I've been running because I cry, and I don't want to cry. But never once has God denied me when I get tired of running and come back to Him. He has ALWAYS forgiven me, dried my tears, and has me smiling again at the end of my day, giving me another chance. We instinctively run from God during the hard times times in life to try and figure it out on our own...I've ran away before. And the times when I was running, that was when I should have been holding on to God's hand even tighter and longer. I'll get through this, like always, but I just wanted to be honest that this Pursuit hasn't been all uphill. Not one person has said ths was going to be an easy process, and it's hasn't for sure. But trust me, having God there first, with my family and friends right beside me has made this a heck of a lot better to get though...as you have seen throughout this whole diagnosis. So thank you, I love you guys and thanks for letting me use this blog to share the good and the bad :)
I love you sis. Just wanted to tell ya =)
ReplyDeleteAlways remember what a remarkable, strong, beautiful woman you are! And by the way, you are allowed to be angry. Let it out sister!
ReplyDeleteSuffering is really hard to understand, but it does draw us back to our great God and Savior. IPeter 5:10 "Afer you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who calls you to share His eternal glory in union with Christ, will himself perfect you and give you firmness, strength, and a sure foundation." I am so glad you know Him!And you are helping us know him better through your honest blog!
ReplyDeleteYa know, Laura, my dear dear friend... I've run too, many times.... and you and I, and all of us; we'll all run many more times. Here's my take...I'm not sure that we're actually running AWAY from God. I've run off the path many times (as a thinking person does!--you're a thinking person)and whenever I've run "away," I've always ended up "back" with God and with new dimension to my belief in Him and new realization of all He is and a better sense of who I really am (for that moment). I have always "come back" with more compassion and more knowledge and as a better person. While the prescribed path is still apparent, I have to say that there is a new path that is just soooooo much more real and alive than the original prescribed path. There are so many "why's" to be answered for what you're going through...and what your family is going through with you. You deserve to ask all the "why's"....ask, and be pissed (that you're 26 & have cancer)....be grateful (that there is chemo)....be thankful (for the God you cling to)....and be pissed again. And, in the end, and no matter what, be you. Ya know, I think of God as I would think of a parent, we know He's in charge, we want to prove we've learned what He's taught, so we fly on our own, He watches (like a parent), He cares, He loves, He continues to watch....when we're tired or have made a wrong turn, He kinda just appears when we need Him most (like a good parent). Laura, I believe God wants us to try our wings, don't you....try our wings, knowing that He is always with us as we fly, nosedive, soar, and land.
ReplyDeleteYou know me well so you know that I have to end with a little humor.... one more thing you can be (just a little!!) pissed about is that your gift is still on my dining room table!!! I'm trusting God that I'm so late 'cause the timing was not right for you to have it earlier. (sounds like a joke but, ya know, I really do believe timing is a bigger deal than we think)
Love ya, Laura, hang in, see you soon,
Henni