Trying to do so Much...with so Little.

Day 1 is down and accounted for! I made it and am so glad a glass of wine is good for the body! :) I'm back to work with the kiddos and I almost forgot just how much I liked them and their unique personalities. I'm so grateful that I have energy that I wouldn't have had if chemo stayed on schedule. I'm honest when I say I was prepared on paper, but wasn't prepared in my mind for what was to come today...or this year. I'm still not. I couldn't concentrate and I was holding onto hope that it would all work out. This past week I could not find the concentration I was so desperately needing to accomplish my goals I set forth for the first day. But we all survived, only a paper cut today; everything got done and everyone left with a smile :) It's just that it takes me twice as long to accomplish things that took me minutes to do last year. My fear is that things will not be accomplished to MY standards this year, and I feel guilty for that. Guilty because I wanted to do so much more and so much better for the kids this year, but I got a diagnosis that is like a huge road block for me right now. I hate using cancer as an excuse to get away with anything in life, so I'm NOT going to use it as an excuse. I just need to be at peace in my own mind that this year the plans and ambitions I had might not just work out like previously planned. Because I'm starting to realize that cancer does have an effect on my attitude and body. I long to put in the work and hours I feel is needed for my job to be successful and feel guilty when I do not have the energy or concentration to do it to MY standard. I'm just crazy I know, because the job is getting done, it's just me and my personality that is causing me problems. I usually push myself to beyond my boundaries and right now, I'm not because I can't physically stay awake long enough to do it :) I don't just do this at my job, but anything in life. I push myself because success feels good and to be stagnant is mind numbing! I pray for a peace of mind during this time to know that I am doing my job to the best that I can... and that is all I can ask of myself.
My dad told me I am fighting two battles right now, my guilt in that I will let my students and coworkers down and the fight against my illness. I'm realizing that if I keep fighting both fights, I'm going to get more worn down, and ultimately, it's my fight for my health that will start to lose the battle. I need to always be aware of myself enough to know that if the time comes to call it quits because I feel that the students are not getting exactly what they deserve because of my health situation, I will have to take that step back and say I can only fight one battle at a time. My work has been amazing and supportive and I am grateful for that. They help make my choice that much easier if the time ever came. But I will keep fighting for both teams as long as I can, Promise, because I am not a quitter!
Now, on to funnier times...

Well, this was taken the last night I went to the fair with my wig on. When my sister and I get around each other, we get a little crazy! We were having such a great time and I was telling her about how my wig was just as thick as her natural hair...and the next thing I knew, my wig was on top of her already massively thick hair and a clip was in my very thin and patchy hair. I just had to put the picture on here for some good laughs! Oh do our husbands hate us when we get like this in public! See how tall her poof is on top of her head?! That's my wig! The picture doesn't even show it justice because it was MASSIVE in person! Totally a 'had to be there moment', but it just had to be preserved :)

"Well Sinead O'Rebellion. Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior" For anyone that knows me, Empire Records is one of my favorite movies and this is a line that Renee Zellwager says as she sees Debra bald for the first time. Well, the time came. My hair was about 75% gone and I couldn't take it anymore. It looked awful and I looked so sick, I looked like I had cancer :) So at 11:00 when I was home alone, I took out Andrew's electric razor and went to town. I was disappointed as I only saw a few strands of hair in the sink it was that pathetic, but still, I look so much better! Even Andrew likes it better! He said the last few weeks have been difficult because I wasn't feeling good and I looked so sick. But now that I have my energy back and my hair buzzed like a rocker chick, I saw him smile again. Like a true Andrew smile, not the fake 'I'm putting this on for you because I have to be brave for you' smile. :)
So my first night back to work with kids is coming to an end...and I'm smiling. That's a good sign :) To God be the glory for ever and ever Amen. Phil. 4:20