The Feeling I Can't Describe

Thank you so much for all the compliments on my short hair you guys! It is taking some time to get used to and I’m not sure exactly how to style it yet, but I am SO glad I did it. It is so curly right now and totally growing on me by the minute! I don't even recognize myself in the mirror! Actually I can’t wait to make it really big and curly and use fun hairpieces! So many people say they love it, so you must have done good Ash! Like you couldn’t…anyone out there looking for a new hair style, she works at My Hair Lady and is great! Not too shabby as a friend either :) HAHA Love ya!!
I really don’t know how to explain the feelings that I’m having tonight knowing tomorrow is chemo day again. It’s not sadness, and it’s not depression, it’s not nerves. It’s…I just don’t know. I’m just not excited for tomorrow. It's like I have to go back to this other wierd and surreal life again. I think this means that I haven't fully processed this whole experience yet, and I don't know if I will anytime soon. My attitude is positive, I just haven't wrapped my head around this whole chapter in my life. I know that by going I am one step closer to getting completely healed, and I should even be able to take the deep breath I’ve been so longing for these last few months. But I think I’m just not excited to feel sick again. This past week has just been awesome. I have felt really good, like my body is top notch, but I just hate knowing that I’m going in to kill off all of the good cells that my body worked so hard to develop this past week. I truly appreciate when I feel good now and don't think I'll ever take it for granted again. I get my lab work done first tomorrow, then get to meet with the oncologist, Dr. Powell again. I AM excited to get some of my results back. I am absolutely confident that the cancer has not spread anywhere else in my body and I can’t wait to hear him say it! Your prayers have been heard and my heart just wants to hug each and everyone of you. I’m getting teary eyed right now, because I really don’t deserve all the love and prayers you all have shown me. I do, I promise that somehow I will do something to repay you all, but I want you to know that you all are such good people to take the time out of your day to encourage me, send me a card, your phone calls and text…all of it. If I haven’t shown it enough or haven't gotten back with you, I’m sorry but I am SO grateful to you. So once again, thank you because it is you and God who is keeping me together!
I’m excited to see the nurses tomorrow too. They are always so much fun! But still those thoughts of chemo go into my head, and can’t help but let out a sigh. But I tell you what. Someone up above is looking out for me, because he kept me busy and focused today so I COULDN’T be down for too long. I had some great distractions today from my wondering mind. My teacher friends from slabtown came over for a simple lunch and catch up time before school starts again…oh it is coming so soon! Trust me, if I can teach special ed preschoolers…this cancer is a piece of cake! I love those kids and couldn’t imagine my life without them…they give me some sort of strength that I never knew I had. If you ever want to appreciate life, volunteer in a special education classroom. My job is tough, but SO MUCH FUN! These kids make me laugh and their innocence in beautiful. Plus, all of my teacher friends are wonderful at picking my spirits up and encouraging me to keep fighting. They are all willing to help me out at school and it is such a relief to know they are there for me during this time to get ready for the new school year. Plus, I was exposed to so much sugar and I LOVED IT!!!! I just can’t be good on this chemo diet when these friends cook…its just too good!!! Oh well, we only live once and I’m good almost all the time. :)
My forever friend Ashley (the one who went to Kewpee with my mom and I) came over to keep me company tonight also. We always laugh so much and she is a sunshine in my life! She got me a lotion and spray called ‘Forever Sunshine’ from Bath and Body and it suits us perfectly. No matter how much time we spend apart due to family, work, and life, we are always a ray of sunshine in each others lives when we see each other. She was my best friend as a child and now is like another sister to me to this day. She was my cheerleader tonight and got me reved up for tomorrow now. I told her she is now hired every other Wednesday to get me pumped up before chemo day. :)

I wanted to show you what Kota and Cooper do while I write my blog. They were both sleeping until they heard my camera turn on. I am blessed just by them you guys. Call me crazy, but I love them like family and they keep me so much company on these days when Andrew works 24 hour shifts. Another blessing I just wasn’t expecting and if I wouldn’t have taken the risk to get him, I never would have known this kind of happiness and companionship. Cooper is so good too, last night, he went straight to his crate to fall asleep before we even went to bed. What puppy does that?! He sleeps through the night and still has accidents, but usually its my fault for not having him go out enough. Or for staying out for too long (so maybe I made him stay outside with me for 3 hours until he did his business while I read my book. Go figure, I can be stubborn and wouldn’t let him win. Andrew came home from fishing and guess what Cooper did for him in just 5 minutes…MEN i tell ya!) Anyway, I am 99% happy with my life right now…I can deal with 1% of it being a bummer because of chemo treatment side effects. Can’t wait to give you all the good updates tomorrow!