Frustrations.

So after laying in bed last night, still awake at 2:30 am, I've decided to write a blog about the new frustrations I'm having. I think I need it out more than you need to hear it, so just let me vent and laugh about it all later...I will :)
I have been doing really well so far, better actually than I ever thought through all of this. My strength has been tested and I've come out on top! But, last night...phew, I felt like I finally struck out. I try not to think about 'it' a lot and keep myself busy, but last night I just couldn't get away from it. I think it was because everything that was happening was out of my control, and I couldn't manage the pain I was feeling. Also, my thoughts are like one mixed up jigsaw puzzle. I can hardly concentrate or keep things straight! (they say the drugs can do this, so stick with me through this craziness people! :) I was spoiled in the beginning days with chemo side effects, because really it was nothing I couldn't handle or deal with. The pain could be managed by sleeping or meds and I could keep up with 'life' more than I thought I would be able to. But now, I'm frustrated. It's my whole jaw and throat. It just keeps throbbing in pain like I've just had my wisdom teeth taken out. I've already been through that so why do I have to feel it again?! :) I can't enjoy eating like I want to (and trust me, eating is such an enjoyment to me!), I'm icing my mouth ALL the time, and BOTH cold and hot foods do not make it feel any better...just frustrating because it never goes away and just gets worse at night. And nights are the worst!
Then, this powerport is about ready to powerport its way right out of me! :) I have to remember that I have stitches in there so it's not going to feel great yet, and it hasn't even been a week Laura! This is so minor, but I wanted to wear a tshirt last night and I couldn't because it still rubs and feels funky against the port. So tank tops still it is. Such a little thing, but it got me frustrated! And trying to sleep in my bed with this powerport is no fun...TRYING TO SLEEP is no fun! I cannot fall asleep at night. And when I finally do, I sleep-in SOO much because it feels SOO good to sleep. Which it should do because my body is completely rebuilding itself after chemo wiped it out, so I NEED to sleep. But I don't want to sleep my summer away either (us teachers NEED this summer break:) Oh, and getting up four times in the middle of the night to use the bathroom is getting REALLY old, really fast. My kidneys are in over drive because it is getting rid of all this bad stuff in my body, so Andrew is making me drink like a gallon of water a day. It's all good I know, but so annoying when I finally get to sleep, just to wake up again. AND, because my kidneys are working in speedy motion, my lower back pain is just getting worse! I thought it was from the chair at first, but I'm thinking now its just from sore kidneys. And it probably didn't help that I had a little frozen cappuccino from Kewpee yesterday either. My hands shook all night, but it was SOOOOOO sinfully good! I really just had too :)
Ok, I think I have let it all out. THANK YOU! I need to get it out and this blog has been so therapeutic for me. I'm having so many different emotions and for the first time last night, I felt frustrated. And I haven't felt that way yet. However, through it all....I HAVE to count my blessings, because there are too many to be frustrated for too long...

1) I have a husband who cooked supper for me last night (and did dishes!) without me even asking!
2) I have a cousin (Thanks Krysti G!) who came over yesterday to cheer me up with an awesome goody bag! It had all the essentials for a cancer patient... chocolate!, fun books, pad and pens, bandannas, treats for my cat, and a little monster to start cutting up!
3) The shot I was given on Friday is helping me build my immune system back up so I CAN ACTUALLY HAVE SOMEWHAT OF A LIFE! I can't imagine what it would be like if I didn't have that shot. Like I said, chemo has come a long way and it is nothing to be scared of anymore. It does take it's toll on your body and you feel some side effects, but it could be so much worse!
4) I have a powerport put in which is making the chemo drugs SO much easier to administer.
5) Knowing there are people out there who have is 100x worse than me right now...so suck it up Laura :)
6) Wonderful friends and family who keep me positive and busy throughout the weeks when Andrew is working.
7) A God who never leaves. Ever. Even now when I am completely frustrated, He is just laughing at me, saying 'Take a breath. You already know I have control.'

So, I should probably do just that. Take a breath, look at the amazing positives I have in my life, and move on with my day. And NEVER GIVE IN! I just really needed to vent I think and I'm already feeling much better actually. Thanks for listening :)

OH! Another quote that has helped me get through this whole cancer thing is the line Scarlett O'Hara said in Gone with the Wind...'I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow.' That pretty much sums it up, and it's pretty much what I do to get through this. :) Good thing you all have my back! Thanks for all your help!!

Have an awesome Sunny Summer Afternoon!!
Laura