Chemo brain attacks again!!

Flowers from AJ...cause he loves me even though I'm NUTS!

Hi All,
This week my head has been in a fog. Like fog delay FOG it was so bad! I think because it is all clogged up again with a wonderful cold (I had a feeling I should have had that Neulasta shot!). I swear when I feel like this it just makes me want to sit and stare at the wall or just sleep for hours. The motivation to do anything besides curl up in a blanket is minimal. The only reason I get out of my sweats in the morning is because I know the hot shower will feel just as good. And it takes everything in me to get a pair of jeans on, man…why do they have to be so uncomfortable? God bless Andrew for never saying anything (although his looks speak volumes!) when he sees me in my sweats at 3:00 in the afternoon. I know I'm totally rushing the recovery process because I really just want to be done with chemo. I want to feel better so bad that I make myself think I’m better after only a day or two, so I’m up and around doing stuff too soon. My consequence in the end to all of that is a cold again. My fault. So to make myself feel better, I made cookies yesterday because I liked the idea of doing it, not because I wanted some. My favorite part is opening up the oven to check them and I get my first whiff of chocolate chip cookies. They turned out flatter than a pancake, but oh well…it was the thought of ‘baking’ I was going for anyways :)
So like I said, I’ve just been in a daze lately and my thoughts are all scattered again. I keep having a feeling that God has something stirring up for me and I don’t know what yet. I just feel like I’m at a turning point in the road...maybe its just the chemotherapy ending next week. But I don’t want to miss an opportunity because I was ignoring it or because I’ve been ‘foggy’ lately. Please pray that I have clear direction in my life from here on out and if you see it before me, let me know what that direction is so I don't make a wrong turn :) Like I said, I’m not sure exactly what I’m talking about or what this new purpose in life may be for me, but I’ve got feelings stirring up in me like things are gonna start happening, leaps of faith I may have to take, and I better be ready. Or maybe this is all what a friend said today... I’m just chemo brained and once it’s all over, my thinking will be much clearer so it will seem like I have more direction. Also, it may just be that I am going stir crazy being a house wife. I am not made to stay at home without children. I need purpose in my life, I need work and discipline. I’m ready to grow again instead of being a rotting veggie :) Again, sorry for the scattered brain thoughts! During times like these my prayer is Luke 11:9-10 "So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.

Here's Something Positive! This past weekend, Andrew and I went to a rally for a family whose father passed away from kidney cancer at 23 years old. It was incredible to see the emotional and financial support from family, friends, and people they didn’t even know! I mean, the enthusiasm to raise money for the family was so evident and the support system this family has was nothing short of Parenthood! I got a new, personal meaning for the word support that day. Now, at the very beginning of all of this I was offered to go to a support group for cancer. I’m not the kind of person who is all about support groups because I don’t like the eyes on me (I like talking with a group, not at a group :). However, I do see the purpose in them. I enjoy small friend groups, but I have to say that this was the best support group I could have had. A blog where I could write down every thought that was in my head, good or bad, acting as if no one was there. Cancer opened up a part of me that was always there, I was just too scared to share it with anyone. Writing out all of my thoughts and feelings actually helped me along the way feel that I could conquer this word cancer. Mind over matter right? Through this blog, cancer made me laugh and cry, and it gave me a support group better than any ‘Hi, my name is Laura and I have cancer.’...‘Hi Laura’ group :)